It’s been almost a year since my friend Jen passed away. It’s hard to wrap my head around that because it feels like yesterday and forever at the same time. Grief is winding and surprising road. I never know how it will manifest itself in my life.
For example, this piece I wrote here, inspired by my friendship with Jen. It wasn’t even a week after she died that I wrote this. Writing is how I process things and this piece was a celebration of our friendship, a way to honor and remember it, and even to share it with all of you. But after I finished it, I couldn’t share. It was too soon, too fresh, too real that I’d be writing about our friendship in the past tense. So I put it in a folder in my computer and saved it for later.
Then this photo of Jen and I popped up in my memories from years ago and I knew it was time to share this piece about my friendship with her. Jen loved our annual Valentines party. In fact, at the very start of our friendship, when we were still only internet friends, she commented on some pictures I’d posted of our Valentines party. She told me I should have invited her and her boys to the party. And then she told me that she’d be at the next one. Because we were meant to be friends. Of course, she was at the next party! She was right. We were meant to be friends.
Our friendship is something that still brings me joy. That’s why I am sharing this piece I wrote now. I still want to honor and celebrate our friendship. And I hope you’ll read it and be inspired to love your friends better, today and every day.
//April 6, 2019//
6 days ago I lost one of my best and dearest friends. She had ovarian cancer. And after a fierce, brave battle of nearly 2 years, she went to heaven. The news that came early Saturday morning was not a surprise. We were all expecting it. But just because it was expected did not mean it was easy. I wept all the tears I’d been holding back since her diagnosis.
Then I retreated to my bed and began scouring my phone for every picture and video of her I could find. I opened my computer and read through the blogs I’ve kept for the past 11 years, searching for any sign of her and of our life together. I needed to see Jen. I was hungry for her face, and the sound of her laugh.
What startled me as I went through years of memories, was all the life we have lived together. The way she stepped into my life in my own time of sorrow. Our first adventure together, and how it catapulted our friendship forward. Saying yes to her book club idea and the incredible richness that yes brought to my life. All the hikes, nature days, kid book clubs and Valentines parties we enjoyed with our gaggle of children and our nature group. The many trips we took, hotel rooms shared, late night talks and heart to hearts. How she said yes to being on our podcast and the way it added yet another layer of depth to our friendship.
I knew all that was there. But to see it spread out before me—10 years of friendship lived out so richly—well, it brought incredible joy even as the tears streamed down my face.
I know there are many ways to mourn and many steps to mourning. I realized this was my first step. Rather than focus on losing her, I was going to focus on all that we had while she was here. I was going to say yes to tears. But also to laughter and smiles, and even joy in the memories.
“Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.” Psalm 126:5
Going through all those memories, a few things really stood out to me. I thought I’d share them with you. Perhaps they’ll be an encouragement to you to cherish and celebrate the time you have with your own dearest friends.
1. Take more pictures together. In the early years of our friendship, there were lots of kid pictures and less mama pictures. I wish we had taken more together from the very beginning.
2. Take more videos. I’m so glad for the videos I have of Jen. Not professional polished videos. But the random, little snippets of everyday life. The ones where I can hear her laugh, and see her walk and talk.
3. Say yes to adventure. I believe adventure builds connection and relationship. My friendship with Jen proves this to be true. Yes, we went on grand adventures involving plane travel and hiking to gorgeous waterfalls. But we also took plenty of mini adventures right where we lived—our small kids in tow—and each one connected our hearts in a deeper and more meaningful way..
4. Devote time to your friendship. This is a hard one. Quite honestly, I feel like I failed Jen here in many ways. Because we are all so busy. But having planned activities, like our book club and podcast, and our weekly nature group, helped make sure we were intentional about connecting even in the midst of busy seasons. Little things, like dropping off flowers or muffins or dinner in a hard week are helpful too. Texting counts. Phone calls even more, am I right? Just making time for each other is what matters.
There is much more, I’m sure, to planting and cultivating a friendship so it blossoms. And Jen and I weren’t perfect. We had times of distance, disagreement, and hurt feelings. But we came back to each other, talked even when it was hard, and were honest with each other. Because we knew our friendship was worth it.
And that’s what I’d say to you as I sort through these feelings and thoughts on losing one of my best friends: Friendship is worth the effort. Don’t waste the time you have to be with friends. Live it richly, make it beautiful, and fill it with the things that bring you joy!
Love from,
Greta