Friends, our kids are growing up in unprecedented times. It’s true! I didn’t grow up with the internet in my pocket or even in my house. But our kids are. As a result, we have to learn how best to protect and prepare them for this world they live in.
That’s where I come in!
I am here to help you learn how to talk to your kids calmly and confidently about difficult topics like pornography, and internet safety. I want to help you navigate things like the world of kids and social media and what it looks like to create a healthy sexual culture in your home. Please join me for my upcoming 2 part, live webinar, Parenting in the Digital Age on May 31st and June 7th at 6:30 pm.
(If you can’t attend live, you’ll get the recording!)
Tickets are $40 for both classes and include a Q+A and a digital download full of books, articles, podcast and websites I recommend to help you navigate all the things we are talking about in the webinar. These are resources I have all used myself and can wholeheartedly recommend. I list resources just for parents to read and use and also for each age group to read and use.
*After the live classes, attendees will get a link to download the seminars and re-watch at their leisure, or watch if they missed watching live.
Purchase your ticket to the webinar here!
I am so excited to have you at this event! You are taking steps to make a positive impact on your child’s life both now and in the future.
Greta
Join me on my new podcast!
Friends! I am so excited to tell you I have a podcast! I am teaming up with Christian Parenting and am a part of their growing podcast platform. I admit it was a scary and vulnerable to say yes to this. And it has ben a lot of hard work to get this podcast out into the world. (I never could have done it without my team at Christian Parenting!) But now that we’re sending it out into the world, I am over the moon excited about all that is ahead!
My podcast will be dropping every Tuesday and we’ll be covering a wide range of topics. There will be lots of fantastic guests sharing their knowledge and passion and wisdom with us. And plenty of me chatting away about everything from gourmet sprinkles, to having adventures, protecting childhood innocence, chasing joy and creating connection in a disconnected world. The world is far too beautiful and interesting to pin me down to just one topic, right?
You can find The Greta Eskridge Podcast everywhere you listen to podcasts.
iTunes
Spotify
Google podcasts
Christian Parenting
I’d be so grateful if you give my podcast a follow and then rate it and once you’ve listened to an episode or two, leave review. Those kinds of interactions are so incredibly helpful for a brand new podcast like mine.
And if you share my podcast with your friends that would be amazing too! Text a link to the show to your pals and post it on your favorite social media channels. I can’t thank you enough my friends!
God bless you,
Greta
Have You Talked to Your Kids About Objectification?
Why is pornography connected to things like sexual violence, sex trafficking and even child pornography and child sexual abuse?
Because of objectification.
When we objectify people, we strip them of their humanity and turn them into objects. We don’t see them as real people who are worthy of respect and honor.
Pornography is the ultimate example of objectification. Pornography trains the brain to see humans as sexual objects to use and abuse for our own pleasure, and then to discard when they no longer satisfy us.
We don’t want to believe that translates off the screen, but it does. We know it does because those very things I mentioned above are happening every day. And the rate at which they’re happening is growing at a terrifying speed.
Consider this: “research routinely shows that frequent porn consumers are more likely to sexually objectify and dehumanize others, more likely to express an intent to rape, less likely to intervene during a sexual assault, more likely to victim-blame survivors of sexual violence, more likely to support violence against women, more likely to forward sexts without consent, and more likely to commit actual acts of sexual violence.” from Fight The New Drug
(see more articles on this topic here here here and here)
This reality means we must talk to our kids about objectification. Our kids need to know what objectification is so they can recognize it and reject it!
Protecting our kids from pornography must be more than installing protective software on devices. It must also include conversations to help our kids understand the way porn can negatively impact their body, their brain and their heart.
The truth is, though, our kids don’t even have to see pornography to be exposed to objectification. It doesn’t just happen in porn.
We see objectification all the time in our culture. We see it in movies, tv shows, music videos, advertisements, video games, on billboards and magazine covers, and even in comic books and cartoons. I believe these things are the training ground to desensitize us, and our kids, to objectification.
That’s why it’s critical to teach our kids that human beings are worthy of respect honor. We need to remind them daily that their bodies, all bodies, are fearfully and wonderfully made. Calling out objectification as the evil that it can be an aid in ultimately rejecting pornography.
Now I know you might be thinking, “OK Greta, this all makes sense. But how in the world can I start a conversation with my kids about objectification?”
Friends! Parents! Fellow porn fighters! Do not fear! I have some helpful tips for you to talk about objectification with your kids of all ages.
Here you go:
For the youngest kids--5 and under--you want to focus on understanding that their body is an amazingly designed machine! Every part of their body is uniquely created for a specific purpose and every part of them is wonderful. Giving them a healthy view of their own body is the first step helping them see all humans as worthy of respect and honor. Consider memorizing Psalm 139:4 together: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well.”
You can reenforce those ideas when you begin to talk about body safety. Helping them see their own bodies as fearfully and wonderfully made will help them understand more fully that their bodies are worthy of respect, honor and protection. A great book to aid you in this conversation is God Made All of Me by Justin Holcomb.
Around 8 or 9 years old you can introduce the idea of objectification without adding the sexual aspect. You can offer a very simple definition, something like this: objectification is looking at and treating someone as an object instead of as a whole person. It is the opposite of respecting and honoring a human being.
You can talk about examples of objectification occurring in history, in books they’ve read or in the present day. Help them to see that objectification does not honor our fellow human beings the way God wants us to. Consider memorizing Philippians 2:3 together: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourself.”
For kids ages 12+ (or when your child is developmentally and emotionally ready) you can help them begin to see the connection between sexually driven images and objectification. You can expand on the definition of objectification by adding one word, like this: objectification is looking at and treating someone as a sexual object instead of as a whole person. It is the opposite of respecting and honoring a human being.
You can discuss places where objectification happens. If you’re stumped, refer to this list: in movies, tv shows, music videos, advertisements, video games, on billboards and magazine covers, and even in comic books and cartoons.
These discussions will go a long way in helping them become wise media consumers and help them discern when objectification is being used to market or sell a product. Two helpful books for this conversation are: How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography by Educate and Empower Kids and A Student’s Guide to Culture by Brett Kunkle and John Stonestreet.
Ask your kids how they can change the narrative around objectification and not accept it as a part of their own healthy sexual outlook. What are ways they can practice viewing and treating their fellow humans as whole people? How can they honor and respect the human body in a world that is trying to make them do the opposite? Help them see they have an opportunity to be a change agent in a world that wants to turn people into products.
Finally, you’ll need to explain that pornography is the ultimate example of objectification. Porn teaches that people are products to be consumed, to be used, and often to be abused. It’s also important to recognize that both men and women are objectified in porn. (see article here) Pornography, and the damage it causes, are not a just male issues or female issues. They are human issues.
It’s so important to help our kids understand the way pornography can change their view of people as less human. Helping them say no to porn consumption means addressing their heart, not just putting a parental block on their smart phone. You might try watching the documentary Brain Heart World with your teens to help them further understand the negative effects of objectification and pornography. Consider memorizing Romans 12: 9-10 together: “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Honor one another above yourselves.”
Remember, the topic of objectification is not a one-time conversation. This is something you should be talking about with your kids often. Make an effort to point out objectification when it’s happening, but even more, make an effort to model the opposite of objectification. Humans are made in the image of God and therefore worthy of dignity, honor and respect. Helping our kids see themselves and others in this light is one of the best ways to help them see pornography for the dangerous evil that it is.
Grateful to be fighting alongside you,
Greta
Find more posts on instagram! Check out #gretafightsporn and #justamomfightingporn
*To see more posts on this topic, look for the “Fight Porn” tag
*This post contains affiliate links
Have You Talked to Your Kids About Masturbation Yet?
Have you talked to your kids about masturbation yet?
The answer for most of us parents is, probably not.
Because, quite honestly, it’s a topic most of us would like to ignore. Or pretend doesn’t exist. Especially when it comes to our kids.
But the reality is, masturbation can have a huge impact on the sexual health and well-being of your child both now and in the future. It can even have an impact on his or her future relationships and marriage. The topic of masturbation is not something to be ignored. It’s a big deal and we parents need to be discussing it with our kids. Because if you don’t, they’ll get their answers from their friends, popular culture or worst of all, the internet.
Now I know there are a lot of different opinions about masturbation. Two of the most common opinions are that it is always sinful, or that it is normal, harmless and even healthy.
I don’t agree with either of those opinions. Let me explain why.
For those who believe masturbation is always sinful, I’d argue that there is a big difference between a child who is pre-puberty and self-stimulate and a pre-teen or teen who is masturbating. Young children who are self- stimulating are generally not engaging in a sexual act. They are just doing something that feels good. The trouble is that this act of self-stimulation can become a habit, which can lead to physical and emotional damage when the child becomes older and is sexually aware.
Another, more troubling, part of this conversation is the fact that a growing number of young children are being exposed to pornography. That can result in them acting out the things they have seen, including masturbation. Research shows us again and again that porn rewires the brain, and when it is combined with masturbation, it creates a habit that is incredibly difficult to break. Especially for the developing brain of a youth. And that habit can lead to a host of different kinds of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual damage the longer masturbation is engaged in.
So, whether you believe masturbation is always a sinful act or not, it is clear that masturbation is neither harmless nor healthy. That’s why I believe it’s important to talk to our kids about this topic instead of ignoring it, pretending it doesn’t exist, or hoping our kids will just figure it out on their own. None of those options will help them toward the healthy sexual future that we want for them.
Here are 5 truths about the negative effects of masturbation:
Masturbation distorts God’s design for intimacy.
Masturbation is an unhealthy way to deal with negative emotions.
Masturbation promotes objectification of others.
Masturbation can lead to sexual selfishness in marriage.
When coupled with porn, masturbation can become a mentally, physically and emotionally damaging habit.
Let’s discuss each one of these in more detail.
Masturbation distorts God’s design for intimacy.
Sexual intimacy is designed for two people. It is the most intimate and connecting act that exists for us to engage in. When we turn sexual intimacy into a solitary act, we make it only about pleasing ourselves. That is not what God designed sex for.
Masturbation is an unhealthy way to deal with negative emotions.
It’s very common to turn to masturbation when experiencing feelings of boredom, sadness, stress, loneliness, depression, or a poor self-image. That’s because masturbation releases a big hit of the feel-good chemical dopamine. The trouble is masturbation doesn’t truly deal with the source of those feelings. It simply masks or dulls them for a short time. Masking negative emotions with masturbation is just as unhealthy as masking them with things binge eating, drug or alcohol abuse, compulsive shopping, or mindless scrolling.
Masturbation promotes objectification of others.
It is nearly impossible to engage in masturbation without fantasizing about another person. Often those fantasies are not honoring to those people. Instead, they are taking them from their true role as people worthy of honor and respect and turning them into sex objects. This is especially true if porn is being used with masturbation. If you are married, there is a temptation to fantasize and lust after someone other than your spouse. This does not honor your spouse or the person you are fantasizing about. It is not a far reach to suggest that this could also be the first step towards a host of damaging acts to yourself, others, and your marriage vows.
Masturbation can lead to sexual selfishness in marriage.
When one person in a marriage is unwilling to engage in sexual intimacy, masturbation can be a tempting solution. However, by choosing masturbation, the rejected spouse loses an opportunity to love sacrificially, and puts their own desires in front of their spouse’s. That is sexual selfishness, and it has no place in a healthy sexual relationship. If avoidance of sexual intimacy is a frequent problem, masturbation does nothing to address the real reason intimacy is being avoided. Instead, it is a lazy and selfish way to avoid dealing with the issue and continuing in it will not restore health to the marriage.
When coupled with porn, masturbation can become a mentally, physically and emotionally damaging habit.
Science is only beginning to show the full impact porn consumption has on the brain and body. However, research does already show that regular porn use can contribute to things like depression, marital dissatisfaction, disinterest in regular activities, viewing people as objects to be used for personal gain, self-hatred, intimacy disorders, and erectile dysfunction in otherwise healthy young men. The addictive quality of porn use when coupled with masturbation has been likened to drugs like cocaine.
Knowing all this should motivate you to talk with your kids about masturbation and the potential impact it can have on them, and their future relationships and marriage. But I know you are wondering, “how do I bring up this very awkward topic with my kids? And how do I talk about it appropriately with my kids of different ages?” Let me offer some suggestions.
As I mentioned before, most children who engage in self stimulation are not acting in a sexual way. They are simply responding to something that feels good, or they are dealing with their feelings of frustration, boredom, anxiety, fatigue, sadness etc. I personally engaged in self stimulation as a child and for me it was a self-soothing activity just like sucking my thumb or stroking my blankie. I didn’t equate it with anything sexual until I was a pre-teen. Even after I understood it was a private act, I still didn’t connect it to sex.
Masturbation did not become a habit I had a difficult time controlling, nor did I encounter pornography as a child or teen and connect those two things. I also don’t recall my parents ever talking to me about it as a child or a teen. My husband doesn’t recall his parents talking to him about it either. Both of us had a desire for more openness and conversation with our kids when it came to sexual things, so we have been open with our kids on this topic.
If we noticed self-stimulating activities when they were little, we’d just redirect them as much as possible. When they got a little older and were developmentally able to understand the idea of treating their body and emotions in the best way possible (around the age of 3, 4 or 5), we’d tell them their body is beautiful and an amazing machine, designed by God, and this wasn’t the best way to treat it. I’d also teach them that this wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with what they were feeling--tired, stressed, bored, hungry etc. And then we’d talk about and practice dealing with those feelings in more healthy ways. We didn’t make it about shame or make them feel bad for engaging self-stimulation. Instead, it was just about treating their body and emotions in the best they could.
Around the age of 10 or 11, we would begin to discuss puberty and all the different ways their body, brain and emotions were changing or going to change. This was a good time to explain that masturbation was something beyond an activity that simply feels good. We explained that masturbation is connected to the act of sex and we also talked about the way God designed sexual intimacy to be between two people, and not as a solitary act. Over the years, as they are developmentally ready, we have continued to talk about the negative impacts of masturbation on them as young, single people, and in the future as spouses. We’ve discussed the dangers of connecting pornography and masturbation, and the way masturbation can encourage objectification. We’ve also been honest about our own journey with masturbation and explained time and time again that this is not about shame or making them struggle with feelings of guilt, but to offer them something better.
This is not a once and done conversation. It needs to be ongoing and even organic. That means we try not to have conversations like this: “OK kids, sit down on the couch here for a conversation about masturbation.” Because those can feel extra awkward. Instead, we aim for more of this: “hey I wanted to talk to you about something,” while we’re already hanging out, driving, or going for a walk. I think it’s good to check in with our kids now and then and see if they’re struggling with anything sexually. I think it’s good to respond to situational moments, like seeing an explicit billboard or show, by having a conversation about how it makes them feel or how they handle seeing something like that. I initiate these conversations because I want my kids to know that I care about every part of them and that I want the very best for them in every part of their life, including their emotional and sexual health. (Here is an example of having one of those conversations)
Sometimes we have these conversations as a group. Sometimes they take place one on one. Sometimes they are mom to son, mom to daughter, or dad to daughter. Other times the conversations are mom to daughter and father to son, because we can identify with one another’s journeys in specific ways. If you feel like you simply can’t have these conversations with your child and there is no other parent to step in, please seek out a trusted friend to invest in relationship with them and then invite them into conversation. These topics are too important to take a pass on, so I urge you to figure out an alternative if you can’t engage yourself.
Now I know this feels like a lot. You have so much information to digest and to think about now. You might not agree with what I believe about masturbation. You might now agree with how we’ve chosen to handle this topic with our family. That’s OK. But instead of tuning out because we disagree, I ask you to spend some time figuring out what you do think about masturbation. And then I’d like you to talk to your kids about it. Because this conversation matters.
Fighting for your kids and mine,
Greta
Cultivating Connection in the Midst of Misadventure
This week our Adventure Club set out on our first hike since last March when everything shut down. It was so wonderful to be out on the trail again with our best adventure buddies! Our weekly adventures together are one of the most cherished parts of our life.
I do, however, have a confession to make. While I was happy to be with my crew, I wasn’t really excited about the hike we were going to do. It was hot day, and this hike is mostly uphill in full sun. It felt like a beach day, not a hiking day. My attitude was more of one being forced to hike than one who was excited to hike. In fact, the day felt like it was shaping up to be a misadventure rather than one of the adventures I loved.
Ironically I spoke on a stage just a few days before about how to flourish in the midst of a year that feels like a giant misadventure. I talked about the importance of making the most with what we’ve got and the power of reframing a negative situation into a positive one. Too bad I wasn’t practicing what I preached. At all.
I wasn’t the only one who was struggling. All of us were dripping sweat and huddled together for water breaks in any patch of shade we could find. Most of us said, “this hike is better in the winter!” And some of us also said, “I hate this hike!” At one point, Davy stopped and said in a tearful voice, “I think I’m having a breakdown!” His face was bright red and he didn’t want to go on.
My first reaction was frustration and even embarrassment. Why wasn’t he tougher? My next instinct was to urge him forward with sternness instead of compassion. After all, I was just as miserable as he was. And I had little energy to spare to push him forward. I just wanted to hurry and get the hike over with.
Thankfully the Lord reminded me that the way to connect with my kids’ hearts has never been through harshness. Instead, I knelt down, looked him in the eye, and said gently, “I know this is hard. I’m having a hard time too. But I believe you can do this. I believe in you! And I’ll do it with you.”
It wasn’t a magic pill that instantly solved the problem. There were still plenty of moments where he slowed down to a crawl and I had to urge him forward.But I held held his hand when he asked and encouraged him along the way.
When we crested the last hill, I excitedly cheered, “Davy! You did it! You made it up all the hills!” I hugged him and high fived him happily. He didn’t jump up and down with excitement but says solemnly, “God gives the weary strength.” Then he walked off down the trail with best buddy. My smile was a mile wide. That Davy boy never ceases to surprise me.
When we all finished the hike, we were tired and so sweaty, but proud. Because we did that hike faster than we ever had before. It was so hot that we just wanted to get it done as quickly as possible. And we did! It was pretty fun to realize we could flourish, even in the middle of a misadventure.
One other thing I talked about in from the stage last weekend was how misadventure cultivates connection. It truly does. And while I appreciate the other benefits of misadventure, connection is the one I value the most. I’ll never forget the way Davy looked when I told him I believed in him. I’ll never forget the way he reached for my hand, and shared the good words in his heart. I’ll never forget the way our group rose to the occasion, even though it wasn’t easy, and how proud we all felt because of it. We all bonded in special ways. “That is the magic of misadventure. The hardship and the struggle, the scary parts, even the undesirable parts all create this special bond that happens faster and holds stronger than the bonds made in our regular, humdrum days.” (from Chapter 6 of “Adventuring Together”)
I’m so glad our school days are filled with adventures, and misadventures, with our best friends and each other. I can’t imagine a better way to live our life together.
Cheers to adventure!
Greta
My Book is Here!
Today is the day! My book, Adventuring Together —How to Create Connections and Make Lasting Memories With Your Kids, is officially out in the world. I am over the moon excited about this. After all, i’ve been dreaming of writing a book since I was a very little girl.
If you’re wondering what this book of mine is all about, please watch my beautiful book trailer, created by the talented team at Scattered Light Media. You’ll definitely get a sense about the heart of my book!
And if you haven’t ordered it yet, head to Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or ask your favorite local book store to stock it! After you read, I’d love to know what you think about it. What resonated with you? What ideas helped you? What pushed you? What do you plan to put into practice in your own life? Would you consider putting a few of those thoughts into a short review and posting it on Amazon? It would help spread the message of the book!
It’s a message I believe in and that the world needs right now—creating connection in a disconnected world. Join me on the adventure!
Love from,
Greta
4 Things Grief Has Taught Me About Friendship
It’s been almost a year since my friend Jen passed away. It’s hard to wrap my head around that because it feels like yesterday and forever at the same time. Grief is winding and surprising road. I never know how it will manifest itself in my life.
For example, this piece I wrote here, inspired by my friendship with Jen. It wasn’t even a week after she died that I wrote this. Writing is how I process things and this piece was a celebration of our friendship, a way to honor and remember it, and even to share it with all of you. But after I finished it, I couldn’t share. It was too soon, too fresh, too real that I’d be writing about our friendship in the past tense. So I put it in a folder in my computer and saved it for later.
Then this photo of Jen and I popped up in my memories from years ago and I knew it was time to share this piece about my friendship with her. Jen loved our annual Valentines party. In fact, at the very start of our friendship, when we were still only internet friends, she commented on some pictures I’d posted of our Valentines party. She told me I should have invited her and her boys to the party. And then she told me that she’d be at the next one. Because we were meant to be friends. Of course, she was at the next party! She was right. We were meant to be friends.
Our friendship is something that still brings me joy. That’s why I am sharing this piece I wrote now. I still want to honor and celebrate our friendship. And I hope you’ll read it and be inspired to love your friends better, today and every day.
//April 6, 2019//
6 days ago I lost one of my best and dearest friends. She had ovarian cancer. And after a fierce, brave battle of nearly 2 years, she went to heaven. The news that came early Saturday morning was not a surprise. We were all expecting it. But just because it was expected did not mean it was easy. I wept all the tears I’d been holding back since her diagnosis.
Then I retreated to my bed and began scouring my phone for every picture and video of her I could find. I opened my computer and read through the blogs I’ve kept for the past 11 years, searching for any sign of her and of our life together. I needed to see Jen. I was hungry for her face, and the sound of her laugh.
What startled me as I went through years of memories, was all the life we have lived together. The way she stepped into my life in my own time of sorrow. Our first adventure together, and how it catapulted our friendship forward. Saying yes to her book club idea and the incredible richness that yes brought to my life. All the hikes, nature days, kid book clubs and Valentines parties we enjoyed with our gaggle of children and our nature group. The many trips we took, hotel rooms shared, late night talks and heart to hearts. How she said yes to being on our podcast and the way it added yet another layer of depth to our friendship.
I knew all that was there. But to see it spread out before me—10 years of friendship lived out so richly—well, it brought incredible joy even as the tears streamed down my face.
I know there are many ways to mourn and many steps to mourning. I realized this was my first step. Rather than focus on losing her, I was going to focus on all that we had while she was here. I was going to say yes to tears. But also to laughter and smiles, and even joy in the memories.
“Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.” Psalm 126:5
Going through all those memories, a few things really stood out to me. I thought I’d share them with you. Perhaps they’ll be an encouragement to you to cherish and celebrate the time you have with your own dearest friends.
1. Take more pictures together. In the early years of our friendship, there were lots of kid pictures and less mama pictures. I wish we had taken more together from the very beginning.
2. Take more videos. I’m so glad for the videos I have of Jen. Not professional polished videos. But the random, little snippets of everyday life. The ones where I can hear her laugh, and see her walk and talk.
3. Say yes to adventure. I believe adventure builds connection and relationship. My friendship with Jen proves this to be true. Yes, we went on grand adventures involving plane travel and hiking to gorgeous waterfalls. But we also took plenty of mini adventures right where we lived—our small kids in tow—and each one connected our hearts in a deeper and more meaningful way..
4. Devote time to your friendship. This is a hard one. Quite honestly, I feel like I failed Jen here in many ways. Because we are all so busy. But having planned activities, like our book club and podcast, and our weekly nature group, helped make sure we were intentional about connecting even in the midst of busy seasons. Little things, like dropping off flowers or muffins or dinner in a hard week are helpful too. Texting counts. Phone calls even more, am I right? Just making time for each other is what matters.
There is much more, I’m sure, to planting and cultivating a friendship so it blossoms. And Jen and I weren’t perfect. We had times of distance, disagreement, and hurt feelings. But we came back to each other, talked even when it was hard, and were honest with each other. Because we knew our friendship was worth it.
And that’s what I’d say to you as I sort through these feelings and thoughts on losing one of my best friends: Friendship is worth the effort. Don’t waste the time you have to be with friends. Live it richly, make it beautiful, and fill it with the things that bring you joy!
Love from,
Greta
Have You Talked to Your Kids About Soft Porn?
Have you talked to your kids about soft porn?
Well, if your kids saw the Superbowl halftime show, you probably should.
I have to be honest, when a situation like this comes up I don’t like to chime in. I don’t like to take part in the discussion because I don’t want to give more attention to something that is worthy of no attention at all. So many of these situations are about shock value and getting everyone to talk about it. So the rebel in me wants to stand there with my arms crossed saying, “I know you are trying to manipulate me, and I refuse to be a part of your scheme. You’re not worthy of a conversation.”
But this time it’s a little different.
While the half time show was the spark that started the conversation, what it made me realize was that there was a lot more to say.
So I’m talking about it.
I’m not going to be talking about politics, female empowerment, whether or not the NFL needs family friendly entertainment, cultural representation, being in great shape at 50, or most of the other things I’m seeing talked about regarding this issue. Honestly, I think those things are a distraction from an even more important issue the half time show brought up. What I want to know is: how do we talk to our kids about soft porn? Or are we talking about it with them at all?
I didn’t watch the Superbowl this year. We never do. Football just isn’t our thing. But I have even less desire to watch the half time show. I’ve found the half time show to be inappropriate for a long time. But this year I did happen to catch a few minutes of it while I was out running errands. And I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was beyond inappropriate. It was soft porn. And there were people were sitting in a public place, in the light of day, with their children, just watching it.
When I got home from running errands, the game was over and I found the internet awash with lots and lots of comments about the halftime show. Based on what I was reading, I was convinced the rest of the show was even worse than the little bit I saw. I was so glad we had opted out of the half time show again.
Except that our 11 year old daughter, Lilly, had gone to some friends’ house for the afternoon and they watched the Superbowl. And when the half show came on, no one turned it off. Even when it got incredibly inappropriate, no one turned off. ‘Did you watch it, honey?’ I asked my daughter when she got home..
“Yes,” she said, with a look in her eyes that told me what she saw didn’t sit right in her heart.
Ugh.
Here I am, trying my hardest to protect my kids from porn, but I totally failed this one. Why hadn’t I thought to say before she left, “when the halftime show comes on, go do something else. It’s not going to be anything you need to watch.” But I didn’t. I forgot. In fact, I realized I hadn’t even talked to my kids about what to do when they see soft porn. Or what soft porn really is. And I especially hadn’t addressed how they handle it in a situation where everyone else is watching it and you seem to be the odd one out who doesn’t want to.
Clearly some conversations needed to happen with all of the kids. But since Lilly was the one who saw the show, I started with her. I asked her what she saw and what she thought about it. She said, “it was weird and gross Mom. I went into the bathroom and then I just looked away as much as I could.”
While I was sad that she watched something so wildly inappropriate for her 11 year old eyes (or my 43 year old eyes) the first things I wanted to make sure she knew was that I wasn’t upset with her.
Here is what I told her:
You are not in trouble. You aren’t responsible for other people making the wrong decision.
In situations like this, it’s important for my kids not to feel shame or anger from me. After all, I hadn’t prepared Lilly for what to do in this situation. And she had no way of knowing what to expect from the show, since she has zero experience with thong wearing pole dancers. I am not going to punish her for something largely outside her control. Instead, I will give her the tools to be able to handle it differently next time.
I am not disappointed in you. You felt in your spirit that this was wrong to watch and you handled it the best way you knew how. I am proud of you for doing that.
Lilly chose to be honest and tell me she watched the half time show. She could have easily lied to me about it, thus avoiding my potential disappointment and the numerous conversations she knew would follow. But she didn’t. I was grateful about that, because it opened the door for those important conversations instead of slamming it shut. When I told Lilly I wasn’t disappointed in her, her body immediately relaxed and she folded herself into my arms gratefully. Being a safe place for my kids to land in this difficult world is really important to me. It means they’ll come to me to talk about all the challenges they’re facing as they navigate growing up.
Women’s bodies (and men’s bodies) are beautiful, but they are not meant to be shared in that way with the whole world. God created the female (and male) body and it is absolutely beautiful. But the private parts of a woman’s, or a man’s, body are private. Showing them to the world is not right.
Before I talked to Lilly, I quickly watched the half time show on You Tube. Normally I wouldn’t bother to watch the whole thing. What I had seen was enough. But since she had seen it, I wanted to be prepared to answer questions, or discuss confusing or distressing things she saw. After watching, I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn’t telling her the show was wrong because the female body is shameful. It isn’t. I have taught my kids from the beginning that their bodies are made in the image of God and they are magnificent. But I also wanted her to know that how we display our bodies matters. Whether we are female or male, flaunting our private parts for the world to see is not acceptable.
That was all I said that night. I didn’t want to belabor the conversation or overwhelm Lilly. There was more to cover, but I planned to discuss it the next morning, with all the kids. So we hugged and kissed, she went to bed, and I stayed up till 2 am, writing out a lot of my thoughts on what had happened.
The next morning as the 5 of us (Lilly, her 3 brothers, and I) sat around the table for our morning devotions, I brought the conversation back up. Here’s how it began:
Me: “So we need to talk a little bit more about the half time show Lilly saw last night.”
James and William: “But we didn’t even see it!” (See? My kids are not always down for these honest conversations I love to have with them.)
Me: “Whether you saw it or not, there are things we need to discuss. You know who you’re dealing with, right? The talk about everything mom.”
Here’s what we talked about:
Lilly did the best she could in the situation she was in last night. But if something like this happens again, to any of you, what else can you do? You can leave the room and go to the bathroom. Or go the kitchen and hang out by the food. You can tell your friend you want to do something else. You can tell your friend’s mom that you don’t feel good and want to call your parents. You can come home.
I want my kids to know they don’t have to stay anywhere and watch anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. Even if everyone else is watching and they all seem OK with it. even if grownups are. Listening to the check in their own spirit is the most important thing. I will always support them on that.
There are different levels of porn, and that half time show was something called soft porn. Soft porn is an image or video--or half time show--that is highly sexual in nature. People will be wearing little to no clothing, behaving or posing or dancing sexually or suggestively, women will most likely be objectified, and it might even seem like they are objectifying themselves. Seeing soft porn will probably make you feel uncomfortable. It might also make you curious. That’s one of the reasons why soft porn is so dangerous. It gets the viewer wondering and maybe even wanting to see more. The more you see soft porn the easier it is for you to become desensitized to it, until it doesn’t seem wrong and doesn’t make you uncomfortable.Then you begin to want to see something more sexual, and your appetite for porn has begun. Soft porn is the gateway drug to more destructive kinds of pornography.
I don’t share these kinds of things with my kids to freak them out. But I do believe in being honest with them. Because they are growing up in a world where hardcore, dangerous pornography is just a click away. And while the half time show that my daughter (and many other children younger than her saw ) wasn’t hard core porn, there were themes of bondage, dancing that’s usually reserved for strip clubs, full crotch shots with only a tiny strip of fabric to keep it from being full nudity, and so much more. Calling it “just dancing” is actually harmful to our kids because it’s not honest.
We have to help our kids learn to be discerning consumers of media. And that means helping them recognize the way that porn, of the soft or hardcore variety, is seeping into our everyday world. Pole dancing, and sexual bondage should not be shown on prime time television for all ages to see. And yet, there it was. If we don’t talk to our kids about what they’re seeing, reading, listening to and playing (I’m looking at you video games with objectified and hyper sexualized women), then we’re leaving them to begin thinking this kind of behavior and imagery is normal and acceptable.
One way we can help our protect our kids from the damaging effects of soft porn is by helping them be aware of where they might encounter it. As part of our discussion, my kids and I brainstormed a list of places where they might see soft porn. Here is our list:
Video games, anime comic books, anime drawing books, anime cartoons, music videos, movies, magazines, comic books, commercials—especially during sporting events, music lyrics, television shows, romance novels or erotic books. and catalogues.
Clearly, soft porn is all over the place. Helping my kids be wise to the ways that media and entertainment are manipulating them by objectifying women and hyper sexualize practically everything, means they will be better able to discern the good from the bad, the truth from the lies. We know advertisers and entertainment producers want us to consume their product. And they know that sex sells. When we teach our kids this concept, it helps them make better choices about what they are consuming.
As much as we don’t like to think of it, the porn industry is part of the entertainment industry. They want nothing more than to get your kids hooked on porn. And if they can lure the in with soft porn, they will. I want my kids to know these facts, not to scare them, but to empower them!
After we talked through these things, I reiterated wasn’t upset with Lilly for what happened. I told them the situation made me realize there were things I hadn’t talked about with them. I guess there is always more to talk about! I assure you they were really thrilled about this. There were absolutely no sighs, eye rolling, or anyone saying, “ohhh grrreeeaaattt.” Or maybe just a little.
As much as I wish Lilly hadn’t seen that halftime show, I know both she and her brothers will be better equipped for the next time they’re in a similar situation. Because the reality is, it will happen again. Oh it won’t be exactly the same, but soft porn exists in enough places that they’ll come across it somewhere else. And the best thing I can do for my kids is to give them the tools to recognize the darkness and then to turn from it.
“Our responsibility to them is not to pretend that if we don't look, evil will go away, but to give them weapons against it.” Madeleine L’Engle.
Fighting the fight for your kids and mine,
Greta
#gretafightsporn
Greta's Book Lists: Books For the Artist
In all my years of blogging, I’ve never done a gift guide. But since books are one of my favorites gifts to give, I’ve shared lots of them here and there. Trouble is, they’re scattered throughout my Instagram feed and on the blog. So the best I could do was suggest you look through my Instagram hashtag #maandpamodernread, or here on the blog under the category “Books” to find them.
But this year I’m trying to be a little more organized! Woo hoo! I’m creating book lists with some of my favorite books for gift giving, all arranged by topic. Insert cheers by my fellow bibliophiles and book hoarders.🙌📚
Each list will be here on my blog, and in my Instagram stories, with links of course, so you can find them easily all year long. The links take you to my Amazon “book shop”, where you’ll be able to see each book list I’ve created, as well as look at each book individually. I know it helps to see the covers of the books, and read a little bit about each one. Of course I’d be delighted if you purchase the book from my Amazon shop. Because I get a teeny-tiny bit from the sales of each book. But don’t feel any pressure. The links are there first and foremost to be a help to you. If you’d rather purchase from your favorite book shop, then by all means, do that!
This first list I’m sharing with you is:
“BOOKS FOR THE ARTIST”
I love sharing resources on this topic because I am passionate about helping parents create a culture of creativity in their homes and families. ( I even wrote an article on it! Read it here) Especially when they feel like they don't know where to begin because they “aren’t artistic”. I understand those feeling one hundred percent because I am not a visual artist either. Bu I live with a whole bunch of people who are. Instead of giving up and thinking I don’t have anything to offer them, I share as many resources as I can find from people who can help them grow as visual artists. And now I am sharing those resources with you!
This book list includes books for everyone, from babies to teens to adults. There are books to help your kids grow in their skills as artists, books to teach them about famous artists, and books to inspire and grow their creativity. I’ve got books for every level of artist, from beginner to advanced. And I’ve got books for all kinds of different art interests, from cartooning to crafting to architecture. I’m even including a few of my kids’ “must have”art supplies. I think this list has something for everyone!
I hope this book list will be a continuing source of inspiration for you. And if you have any favorites I’ve missed, please share them in the comments. I am always looking for new art books to add to our library.
And now, here’s the list. You can click on each book to see the cover and read a little bit about each book. Happy reading!
Greta’s Book Lists—Books For the Artist
Board Books for the Baby Artist:
Quiet Time With Cassat
Counting With Wayne Thiebaud
In the Garden With Van Gogh
Painting With Picasso
Andy Warhol’s Colors
Squares and Other Shapes
Mini Masters boxed set of books
Picture Books About Art
Mouse Paint
Mix It Up
A Color of His Own
The Wing on a Flea
Books About Famous Artists
Vincent’s Colors
My Name is Georgia
An Eye For Color
Linnea In Monet’s Garden
Michelangelo
Norman Rockwell—Story Teller With a Brush
Books to Inspire Creative Doodling
Beautiful Doodles
The Boys Doodle Book
The Girls Doodle Book
Books to Inspire the Young Architect
Archidoodle—Architects Activity Book
Archidoodle City
Built to Last
Underground
City—A Story of Roman Planning and Construction
Crafting and Art Activity Books
Yellow Owls Little Prints
Art Camp
Hand Lettering For Everyone
Drawing Books For Growing Artists
Ed Emberley’s Drawing Book Make a World
Ed Emberley’s Drawing Book of Animals
Ed Emberely’s Drawing Book of Faces
Illustration School—Let’s Draw Cute Animals
Illustration School —Let’s Draw Plants and Small Creatures
Illustration School—Let’s Draw Happy People
Drawing Books for the Advanced Artist:
Figure Drawing Design and Invention
Don’t forget, you can see this book as well as some other fabulous book lists I’ve created in my very own Amazon book shop! Head over for lots of book ideas!
Love from, Greta
This post contains affiliate links. Thanks for clicking through and showing your support.
10 Things I Want To Tell You About Life Of Fred Math
I wrote an Instagram post yesterday and mentioned the math program we use, Life of Fred. I anticipated that I’d get questions about it, and sure enough, I did! In order to answer some of those questions, I put together this little blog post. I hope it helps you see the process we went through as we began using this curriculum, as well as the things I’ve come to deeply value about it.
If you have further questions, feel free to comment here, send me an email through my website, or message me on Instagram. I’d love to connect with you and help you if I can.
And now, here are 10 things I want to tell you about Life of Fred Math!
We LOVE IT!
This is our second year using it.
This year we are ONLY using Life of Fred for math.
We started with the very first book last year, all 4 kids together. It was super easy at first and the big kids were a little taken aback. “This is too babyish,” they said.I asked them to give it time. I asked them to trust the process. I asked them to trust me.
They did. And soon, they totally loved it! Math became one of our most favorite subjects. Which has not been the case in 10 years of home schooling.
We flew through the early books and when it got more difficult they slowed down. Each kid is working at their own pace, in different books now.
These books teach SO many math concepts at all levels. It’s not “grade level” math. It’s just the building of one mathematical understanding upon another. And it works! There is so much learning happening, across all subjects, in each and every lesson.
Because Life of Fred uses a narrative style to teach, my story loving kids connected with it immediately. They recall concepts along with the story and it makes the learning stick like it never has before.
I also love that this is not “drill and kill” style teaching. Rather, the approach is “broad and deep”. The idea is to build a love for learning about all things. And to include math as one of those things your student loves to learn.
Lastly, you need to know, it will take courage for you to use this math program. Because Life of Fred is different than the norm. At first, you’ll probably feel like your kids aren’t doing enough math. You might worry they’re behind their grade level peers. You have to TRUST THE PROCESS. And then be willing to do things differently because it’s working for your kids.
And now, I’m throwing in a few more things here because I want you to know them and because that’s how I roll. 😉
Life of Fred math is straightforward. It doesn’t come with lots of manipulatives or things to cut out and all kinds of things to prepare ahead of time. I’m the kind of teacher who gets overwhelmed by lengthy lessons, and lots to prepare before I even teach. I love the simplicity of Life of Fred. I also love that the simplicity in no way detracts from the learning my kids are getting.
Life of Fred math goes from kinder all the way through college!! That’s right. Life of Fred covers algebra, geometry, trigonometry, physics, statistics and calculus. There is also chemistry, beginning readers, and even language arts! Visit the website here to see all the books available.
Life of Fred math is super affordable. It’s just one book at a time. I love that! Also, the books are hard cover and are non consumable. That means they can be used over and over for all your students. Your kids do their work in a separate notebook. You can buy each book individually on Amazon as you need them. Or you can buy whole sets.
If you or your kids are struggling with math, I can’t encourage you enough to try starting your own math journey with Life of Fred books! It might just change everything.
Last thing. This is not a sponsored post. I just really love this math curriculum. So I want to share it with you. But even if it was a sponsored post, my words would be the same. I never recommend anything to you that I don’t use and love. Just wanted you to be sure you knew that. 😉
Again, I hope this was helpful for you. Please let me know if you have further questions. And here’s something this former math phobic never dreamed she’d say, Cheers to Math!
Greta
This post contains affiliate links. Thanks for clicking through and showing your support.
5 Things We Learned On Our Not So Perfect Family Vacation
I know it’s easy to look at other people’s family vacation photos and romanticize them. We can’t help thinking, “our family vacations are a mess! Someone’s always unhappy. Or has to pee. Needs a snack. Is tired. Or wants to go home. What’s wrong with us?” Those other people have all the cute travel outfits, no one is sunburned or dirty, and they’re having all the fun, artsy, studious, and adventurous outings. In short, their vacation is perfect.
I’m here to dispel the myth. Guess what? There’s no such thing as a perfect family vacation. For us, there are all kinds of glorious vacation moments, sprinkled with a whole lot of far less magical ones. It’s taken me years to accept that when we travel with 6 people, the odds of all 6 of us being happy at once, all the time, are almost zero. Especially if you have a passionate child or two, like I do. They sometimes struggle with the constant fun and activity of vacation.
And you know what, THAT’S OK!
We can still have a fabulous time, even if one person in the group isn’t loving it as much as the rest. Because at some point on the trip, we all will be happy. Maybe even at the same time! I’ll hold onto those moments so tightly. And then I’ll just laugh at the others.
For example, the other day we were about 3 hours into our family vacation. That’s right. 3 hours! We’d just finished eating breakfast together and I wanted to tour the beautiful Santa Barbara courthouse. I’ve wanted to visit for years but every time I suggest it the kids are anxious to get back on the road and finish the rest of our journey. But this time I put my foot down. “We’re doing it! It’s beautiful and amazing and I know you’ll love it”
All 4 of my kids voiced complaints. They’re usually so good about following me on adventures. But for some reason they just couldn’t get on board with visiting this place. So many years of saying no meant they’d decided it was no forever? I don’t know why they so stubbornly refused, bu no one wanted to go. They were sure we needed to get back on the road. and head towards our final destination. I was irritated by their stubbornness. And even what I perceived to be their selfishness. “Really? You can’t just say, “ok mom. We’ll do it for you!” They couldn’t. I ended the conversation by telling them to stop being jerks and I marched off towards the courthouse.😬😂
That shook them up and a couple changed their tune immediately. Mom tantrums can do that. The others took a bit longer. But by the time we were done touring that beautiful building, guess what? They ALL thought it was really cool! And they were glad we went. I knew that would be the outcome, and that’s why I pushed back against their push back.
What’s more, that little adventure will become family lore. “Remember when mom called us jerks and none of us cared about seeing the architecture of the Santa Barbara courthouse but mom made us go anyway? And then we actually liked it!”
See? I gave them that. Mom tantrums always make the best stories. A few tantrums here and there over the course of their childhood is really a gift you give to them to carry into adulthood and chuckle over with their siblings for many years to come.
The truth is, there are so many lessons to be learned on family vacations. These are lessons I hope my kids will take with them into life, while vacationing and also while just living. Here are 5 we learned in the first 3 hours of our family vacation this year.
The destination isn’t the goal. Enjoy the journey. Don’t be so driven to get to the destination that you forget to stop and enjoy life along the way.
Family vacations aren’t all about any one person. None of life is! So even if this isn’t your favorite part of the trip, make an effort to enjoy it for the person who is loving it.
Say yes to new things. There’s a good chance you’ll be happily surprised by something you imagine will be boring or dumb. Life is full of wonderful surprises.
It’s ok if not everyone’s happy. The trip isn’t ruined if all the people aren’t happy all the time. There will be moments when everyone is happy. And that will be wonderful! And for the other moments, you just hug the unhappy person and say, “I’m sure we’ll do something you love later.” And give them some time to adjust their attitude without letting it ruin yours.
Mom is always right. Well not always. But a lot of the time. And I can say this with conviction because my mom was right about so many things.
Whether it’s a trip to a local destination or you’re traveling far from home, there is so much to learn when we adventure together. And even in the moments that are less than stellar, all is not lost. You know my motto, “it will make a great story later.” It always does!
If you happen to be in Santa Barbara, I can’t recommend a visit to this spectacular courthouse enough. Yes, even if your kids don’t want to go. Its free to go inside, explore, and climb to the top of the tower for beautiful views. You can find visiting hours and how to take a free tour with a docent by visiting this site here. I’m already looking forward to going back and learning more about this beautiful spot.
Cheers to adventure, and embracing all the not so perfect, but still wonderful parts of our lives.
Greta
3 Reasons Why Parents Don't Want to Talk to Their Kids About Pornography and 3 Reasons They Should
Kindness Is: talking to your kids about pornography.
If you’ve spent much time reading my blog or following me on Instagram, you know I am a passionate advocate for parents talking to their kids about pornography. What’s more, I advocate for those talks to start happening at an early age. And by early, I mean around 5 or 6 years old.
This takes a lot of parents by surprise. I get it. They’re wondering, “how in the world do I even talk to my 5 year old about pornography?” And “why in the world should I have to?” Or, “what happened to childhood innocence where the heaviest conversations we have to have with our kindergarteners are about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy?”
I understand all of these reactions. I felt the same way the first time I had to tell my young sons about protecting their bodies from anyone who might want to touch them in a way that wasn’t safe or appropriate. I hated bringing up the very idea that there were people who might want to hurt them. It made me sick to my stomach. Their world was so safe and perfect and beautiful. By bringing up the idea that someone out there could hurt them, I felt like I was stealing some of that beauty.
But the reality was, by saying nothing I was leaving them open to the possibility of so much more ugliness and darkness being brought into their lives. So I had to decide, shine light into the darkness or let the darkness invade? I chose to shine the light into a dark place.
This is the exact same decision we face when talking to our kids about pornography. Even introducing the word into our child’s vocabulary can turn our stomach. We hate to bring anything so dark and ugly into their bright and beautiful world. But the fact remains that by saying nothing, we open up the door for so much more darkness to walk in.
Still, still, I get pushback from parents all the time. They tell me why they think they don’t need to talk to their kids about porn yet. Here are their top three reasons:
1. My kids are too young.
2. My kids don’t even know about sex yet.
3. My kids will become curious about porn.
In a normal world, I’d say each of those reasons are logical and make sense. The trouble is, we don’t live in a normal world anymore! Instead, we live in this kind of world: “Pornography has changed. Extreme content is the new norm. Soft porn has disappeared. In 2010 the journal Violence Against Women reported physical aggression in 88.2% of leading pornography scenes, and verbal aggression in 48.7%, with 94.4% of the aggression directed towards women and girls. And a February 2018 headline in Esquire Magazine read, “Incest is the Fastest Growing Trend in Porn.” (Enough.org) Also, “porn sites get more visitors each month than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined.” (Huff Post) This is the tiniest fraction of the extremely troubling statistics and information about the modern day world of porn. You can, and should, educate yourself by reading more here. The point is, due to the changing nature of pornography, its rapid growth, and widespread access, there is simply no justification for not talking to our kids about porn. Yes, even when they are 5 or 6 years old.
I’m going to address each of these reasons one by one, and hopefully you’ll get the push you need to begin talking about pornography with you kids, and more importantly, begin shining a light in the darkness.
Reason 1. My kids are too young.
While in the past, this may have been true, it just isn’t anymore. We all know 3 year olds are sitting in the cart at Costco, swiping away on mama’s phone while she shops. We all know 6 year olds are playing games, unsupervised, on ipads and tablets. And we all know that it is not uncommon for a 10 year old to get thier own smart phone for a birthday or Christmas present. That means that every single one of those kids is at risk for accidentally stumbling across porn online.
You might think that you have every security measure enabled on your devices, and all the filters and protections in place so your child is fully protected. Guess what? It doesn’t matter. There is no 100% protection. Just last weekend, when I clicked on a google link for info on a hike, not an ad but an actual link from Google, up popped 3 pictures of naked women. And these weren’t lovely Mary Cassatt-type images of a mother lovingly breast feeding her child. Nope. They were straight up sexual photos that made me gasp and want to hide my phone instantly. What’s worse, I could not get them off the screen. I had to turn my phone off to get them to disappear. Now you can be sure that I have every security restriction enabled on my phone. In fact, I have to enter a password just to look at my own website, because of the articles there about pornography. Yet, somehow, those images got through. Do you think your child is somehow immune to this exact same scenario? Please, please, don’t be so naïve.
“More and younger children are accessing internet pornography. The average age of first exposure is 11 (Randel and Sanchez, "Huffington Post" - 2016). However, "children under 10 now account for 22% of online porn consumption under 18" (British Journal of School Nursing.)” (Enough.org). These statistics about young kids accessing pornography are frightening. But we must take them as a wakeup call! We can’t just imagine away the dangers of pornography exposure because our kids are young.
Reason 2. My kids don’t even know about sex yet.
Here is an important truth for you to hang onto. Your kids don’t have to know all about sex for you to warn them about pornography. Yes, that’s right! Because you don’t have to tell them all the details about pornography in order for them to know it is bad and dangerous for them to see it.
All they need to know is that pornography is pictures and movies of people with no clothes on. “And just like we don’t show strangers our private parts, we don’t want to see other people’s private parts. So if we ever see those pictures or movies on a computer or a phone, or if someone shows them to us, we look away and then we go tell a safe grown up what we saw. You won’t be in trouble for seeing it. Talking about it is how we keep you safe.”
THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY.
You see, our kids don’t have all the negative associations about porn that we have. They don’t know the content, the shame, or the things it is associated with. And in the beginning, they don’t have to! Just tell them the most basic facts, enough for their protection, and leave it at that. As they grow, you can reveal more as it is needed. But if they’re not ready for the full sex talk, don’t let that stop you from protecting them from porn by explaining, with the simplest details, how they can stay away from it.
Reason 3. My kids will become curious about porn.
Fact: almost all people are curious about sex and sexuality. We are sexual beings and God created us to be. Being curious about sex does not make your child bad. Being curious about porn does not make your child bad.
What would be bad is you not talking to your kids about sex or porn so that when their curiosity grows, they seek out answers on Google. And Google becomes their teacher instead of you. Or when they accidentally stumble upon porn for the first time, and their curiosity drives them back for more, but they don’t know they should talk to you about it. Because you never said anything to them about porn.
Look, we don’t notwarn our kids about the dangers of smoking or doing drugs, drinking and driving, or unprotected sex just because they might be curious to try those things after we bring them up. No! We recognize those things as dangerous and offer up appropriate warnings to our kids as a result. Our approach toward pornography should be exactly the same. Porn is just as dangerous as those other activities. “Studies have found that frequency of porn use correlates with depression, anxiety, stress, and social problems.” (The Porn Myth pg .194) We also know porn addiction can cause everything from brain damage to violent behavior to suicidal thoughts. Pornography is dangerous and should be viewed as such.
The reality is your kid might become curious about porn after you warn them about it. But that is not a good reason for you to avoid talking about it to them. Instead, you need to make sure your conversation with them covers what to do if they see porn, whether by accident or because they have searched it out. Be certain they know to come to you, that you will not love them less or heap shame upon them. Make sure they know they are safe with you. And when they do come to you, react to them with compassion and grace.
I know that talking to your kids about pornography, at any age, is not easy. After all, we bring all of our own fears, hurts, shame, and all kinds of other baggage to these discussions. But we can’t let any of that stop us from offering our kids the protection they deserve. I appreciate the words of Martin Daubney, former editor of Loaded magazine, now a public advocate for protecting kids from porn, “Like many parents I fear my boy’s childhood could be taken away by pornography. So we have to fight back. We need to get tech-savvy, and as toe curling as it seems, we are the first generation that will have to talk to our children about porn…By talking to them , they stand a chance. If we stick our heads in the sand, we are fooling only ourselves.” (The Porn Myth pg. 57)
There is so much to say on this topic and I always feel that I have just scratched the surface. You can read some of my other articles on the topic of pornography here, here, here, and here.
Each article has links to applicable books, articles, websites, and other resources.
If you feel like you need more direction in talking to your young kids about porn, I recommend this book, “Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Jr.”
If your kids are a bit older but you are still unsure how to talk to them about pornography, then try the book by the same author, “Good Pictures, Bad Pictures”.
If you need help talking to your children about protecting their physical body as well as their brain, I recommend the book, “God Made All of Me.”
Thank you for reading and educating yourself. Now I ask you to join me in the fight by sharing this article and inviting others to take part in this incredibly important conversation and fight. Be a light!!
I encourage you to follow me on Instagram and especially to look at my hashtag #gretafightsporn to keep up with my work fighting porn and helping families.
Greta
This post contains affiliate links. Thanks for clicking through and showing your support.
Tuesdays
I miss camp.
It’s only been 4 days since we left family camp at Forest Home, but I feel like I’ve been slammed hard against that wall called real life.
We were literally getting in the car to leave camp on Saturday when I got the first in a string of emotionally draining and difficult texts. “I can’t believe this,” I told Aaron. “We’re not even off the mountain yet. What a re-entry.”
The rest of Saturday was a mad dash to unpack the car, do all the laundry, help the boys re-pack for scout camp the next day, run last minute errands for them, get groceries, make dinner and go to Target at 11 pm.
Sunday morning I got up early with Aaron because he was flying to Chicago. It was a 6 am goodbye kiss, and then it was race around to get everyone up and out the door when all they wanted to do was sleep waaaayyyy in.
I drove back up the mountain to drop off my big boys for a week of camp. Then we drove south to get our dog from my in laws, where he’d spent the last week. (Thanks Nanny and Papa!) Then we drove back home to collapse on the couch and call it a day. 6 hours driving wears a girl out!
Monday dawned full of potential, even though I was missing my 3 men fiercely. I dropped Lilly off at her art class and Davy and I went to get my broken glasses fixed. Around 11:45 I got a phone call, “Mrs. Eskridge?”
“Yes?”
“Your daughter is taking an art class at OC college, and the class ended at 11:00.”
I gasped and exclaimed, “oh no! I thought it was over at noon! I’ll be there in 10 minutes!”
I dashed to the car feeling like the absolute worst mom in the world.
Neither Lilly or the nice lady waiting with her made me feel bad about my mess up. Lilly’s lip was trembling the tiniest bit and she had some tears in her eyes, but she hugged me tight and said, “it’s ok Mommy. Can you just be sure to pick me up on time tomorrow?” Heart. Broken.
Later that night our dog, Shadow, didn’t eat his dinner. Again. I then noticed him biting at a spot on his hip. It was raw and red and angry looking. It seemed to come out of nowhere and I had no idea what it was. Of course I got kind of freaked out and he instantly seemed to have all sorts of terrible symptoms. I loaded the kids and the dog in the car and we went to the 24 hour emergency vet. Where there was a 4 hour wait. It was 9 pm.
I miss camp.
Did I say that already?
After about an hour they examined Shadow and said he wasn’t critical and I could take him home for the night. I slept fitfully and woke up tired and lonesome for my man and my sons, and just feeling so worn out. And it’s only Tuesday.
Isn’t it funny that of the speakers at Forest Home last week talked specifically about Tuesdays? He said that God is at work in us in all the monotonous, dreary, difficult "Tuesdays" in our life. It’s easy for us to see God on the mountain tops. And can even be easy to see Him when we’re down in the darkest valleys. We cling to Him there, don’t we? But it’s on all the dumb, boring, regular old Tuesdays of life that we get bogged down and lose sight of God and the work He’s doing in our lives and hearts.
So I’m sharing with you here, on the Tuesdayest of Tuesdays, that God is doing a work in me. Here in the most mundane parts of my life, I know He’s working. The thing is, this is the part I struggle with the most. I seek out those highs, and I find His miraculous strength for the lows. But in these hum-drum parts of life, I just seem to stumble often.
These words are a good reminder to me of where my focus should be everyday, but especially on the Tuesdays. Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
Perhaps you're feeling the weight of your own Tuesday. I pray these words will sink into your heart, encourage you, and let you know that God is working in your life too. When you're way up there on the lofty mountain tops, when you're down in those hard valleys, and when you're just plugging along on the regular old Tuesdays, He is alive and at work in your life. So let us not grow weary in doing good. Just as He doesn't weary of us.
My Favorite Coming of Age Novels—and why “The Catcher In the Rye” isn’t one of them.
I love coming of age novels. I remember reading them while I was growing up, and identifying somehow with each character. It didn’t matter that they all faced much harder, often heartbreaking, circumstances than I had ever faced myself. I still learned so much from the likes of Jody Baxter, Caddie Woodlawn, Jo March, and Billy Coleman. And what I appreciated, even then, was that these characters faced the struggles and difficulties of life with strength and courage. Even if they messed up at some point, displayed weakness, or cried their heart out over loss, they still ended up on their own two feet, strong and resilient. They were characters I could look up to.
I’m certain many of the coming of age novels I love best are not very well known now. I have to admit, this saddens me. Because these stories are very dear to my heart. Oh yes, part of that is nostalgia and wanting to share treasured parts of my book loving childhood with anyone who will listen. But it’s more than that. These powerful stories shaped me.
In a time when so many tweens, teens, and parents visit the young adult section of the book store only to find books filled with sex and profanity—because publishers think that’s the way to attract young people—I want to say "there’s something better!” I have a passion for sharing books that will shape their readers for good. That’s the most important reason I talk about my favorite coming of age novels. It even trumps nostalgia. Like Gladys Hunt says “a good book is a magic gateway into a wider world of wonder, beauty, delight, and adventure. Books are experiences that make us grow, that add something to our inner stature.”
A good coming of age novel doesn’t need to appeal to teenage rebellion to pull in its reader. Using those things just cheapens the story. In fact, I think that by making a story salacious, we’re doing young readers a great disservice. A coming of age novel should talk about the truly hard parts of growing up: loss, doing the right thing, loyalty, forgiveness, loneliness, hard work, courage, and loving deeply. Sex, profanity, drugs, or sneaking around behind your parents’ back really have very little to do with it.
Yet that’s what many coming of age novels offer. They don’t talk about the real things, the hard things, how to face them, and how to grow from them. They don’t teach or strengthen. They don’t push their reader toward good. And that bothers me so much that I just want to stand in the middle of the young adult section, proselytizing, “wait guys, don’t read that one! There are better books out there waiting for you.”
When I read “The Catcher In the Rye” for the first time I was so disappointed. While the book was originally written for adults, I had heard many people describe it as the quintessential teenage book. I found Holden Caulfield whiney and completely uninspiring. The sex and profanity in the book seemed to me just as weak as those jokes in a movie where a guy gets hit in the crotch with a baseball bat. Sure everyone groans and laughs. But it doesn’t take much imagination to come up with that joke. “The Catcher In the Rye” didn’t motivate me to be a stronger or more courageous person. It just left me feeling kind of empty.
That is the exact opposite of what any book should offer. And especially a coming of age book. We’re handing books to kids at a time when they are figuring out what they believe, who they are, and who they want to become. Shouldn’t we, therefore, be giving them the very best? I think Madeleine L’Engle says it so well: “We don't want to feel less when we have finished a book; we want to feel that new possibilities of being have been opened to us. We don't want to close a book with a sense that life is totally unfair and that there is no light in the darkness; we want to feel that we have been given illumination.”
And if you’re worried about exposing your kids to those hard topics like loss, loneliness or betrayal, I get it. I know we want so badly to protect our kids from all the hard and sad things in this world. But the truth is, they will experience them at some point. Isn’t it good then, to show them people who have stood in the face of the struggle and fought well?
One of the best ways to handle the hard topics covered in a coming of age novel is to walk through those things with your child. Rather than handing the book to your kid and expecting him to wade through the thick of that story alone, take the opportunity to wade through it together! These books provide fodder for so much great discussion. You will sigh together. You will learn together. You might even cry together. We always do. And that’s ok. Because good stories move us. They touch our hearts and leave us changed. They leave us changed for the better.
*****************************************************
Below you’ll find some of my favorite coming of age novels recommendations. These are all books I have read personally, on my own or with my kids. I know there are plenty more wonderful coming of age novels out there, but I only share ones I have read myself.
All of these books cover some difficult topics. Amongst the books I listed, some of the topics covered are: death of a beloved pet, death of a friend or parent, bullying, divorce, marital infidelity, anger towards a parent, coping with a disability, rape, racism, lying, loneliness, war, and running away from home, to name a few. Yes, these are hard topics! But each of these books handles these topics in a brave and tasteful way. They don’t feel salacious or included simply to get a reader’s attention. They are purposeful. It’s important to think of the opportunity these books give you to talk through these topics with your kids. And then to see characters who persevere, grow, and triumph in the face of truly difficult things.
Next to each book I’m putting the ages I’d share that book with my own kids. Of course you’ll have to determine what is right for your own child. So please know this is only a guide. And remember, you can let your kids read these books on their own, but you’ll be missing out on the fantastic opportunity for discussion and connection these books provide. So I highly recommend reading these books with your kids.
If you’re thinking, “I don’t have time to read these books aloud to my kids!’ Don’t worry! I’m sharing links to the ones we’ve listened to together on audio. Listening to one of these books on audio would be perfect for your upcoming summer road trip!
Audio books are expensive. But I have found them to be one of the most worthwhile investments I have made for myself as a parent and educator to my kids. Honestly, I can't recommend them to you enough. A few ways to get these books on audio if you're interested: 1. Sign up for a trial with Audible and get your first book free. You can access the book and Audible through the links below. Cancel if you don't want the monthly subscription but keep the book! 2. sign up for a monthly subscription with Audible. Use your free credit to get one of the more expensive books each month. Watch for sales to get audio books for low prices. 3. Purchase the audio book but don't purchase an Audible subscription. Just get the audio book through Amazon. Like I said, listening to books together is a fabulous way to connect with your kids. Especially with these coming of age novels. You'll have so much to talk about together!
I hope you find this list helpful and that it will inspire you to read some great books with your kiddos. Happy reading!
The Yearling by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings. (8+)
The Yearling audio book
The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams (5+)
Rascal by Sterling North (6+)
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (13+)
Caddie Woodlawn by Carol Ryrie Brink ( 7+)
Caddie Woodlawn audio book
Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls (8+)
Where the Red Fern Grows audio book
Pax by Sara PennyPacker (10+)
The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCammilo (8+)
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (6+)
Little Women audio book
Wonder by R. J. Palacio (8+)
Wonder audio book
The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett (6+)
My Side of the Mountain by Jean Craighead George (6+)
My Side of the Mountain audio book
Swallows and Amazons by Arthur Ransome (6+)
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson (10+)
Farmer Boy by Laura Ingalls Wilder (4+)
Farmer Boy audio book
Rainbow Valley by Lucy Maud Montgomery (5+)
Rainbow Valley audio book
Johnny Tremain by Esther Forbes (6+)
Johnny Tremain audio book
Man of the Family by Ralph Moody (7+)
Man of the Family audio book
On the Banks of Plum Creek by Laura Ingalls Wilder (5+)
On the Banks of Plum Creek audio book
A Door In the Wall by Marguerite de Angeli (7+)
A Door in the Wall audio book
Hatchet by Gary Paulsen (13+)
This post contains affiliate links. Thanks for clicking through and showing your support.
Pornography and Video Games--Protecting Our Kids From Pornography Part 4
Yep. Its another article about the dangers of pornography.
Guys, I'd really like my blog not to be "all porn, all the time". I'd like not be the "porn lady". But the thing is, these issues aren't going away! In fact, the more I research the topic of pornography, the more impassioned I become about protecting our kids from it.
Sadly, a lot of parents aren't facing the reality of raising kids in a pornified culture. They're hiding their heads in the sand, saying "not my kids". I wish it could be "not our kids". However that is not the world we live in. So I've decided I will stand in the gap, sharing as much information and as many resources as I can. I want to help you protect your kids from the dangerous world of pornography. If that means people get tired of me talking about it, or even if it makes them feel uncomfortable, so be it. Helping just one family makes it worth it to me.
Today I want to talk about the connections between pornography and video games. By now some of you may have heard that the World Health Organization has declared "gaming disorder" a mental health condition. I admit, I'm not a fan of video games, and have worked hard to limit their use in our home and don’t have them on any of our devices. But it’s not just the addictive quality of video games that concern me. I am truly bothered, often horrified, by the portrayal of women in many video games. I'm deeply concerned by all the negative, even dangerous, things these portrayals can lead to. And I think you should be too.
Now I know many of you are thinking: "my kids play Mario Kart and Wii Sports. There are no sexualized images of women on those games. Not my kid, not my concern.”
Friends, please, please, hear me when I say to you, it might not be your kid now, but it could be your kid later. When it comes to pornography, we can't just think about where our kids are now in terms of exposure. We have to think about what they could be exposed to in the future, and then we have to create a plan for those days. Its called forward thinking parenting.
The truth is, sexualized video games exist. They're much more prevalent than you think. And just like pornography, they start off so seemingly innocent that parents and kids don't notice what is happening. The way it begins in video games is with sexualized images of female characters. Because video games are made with images that are not real, body parts can be exaggerated and altered in a way that highlight sexual features. Breasts are enhanced beyond what is humanly possible. The characters' butt is "plumped" beyond all reason. And then, their waist is made tiny to accentuate those other parts. "Most female video game characters are thin, with large breasts and hips, vacant stares, long legs, and poses designed to accentuate these features." (from High Heels On The Battlefield: Sexual Objectification In Video Games)
Female characters are also costumed in hyper sexualized clothing. They're often shown in tops that have what is called "boob windows". I'm not making this up! They might be a soldier fighting in a battle, but they'll still be wearing a thong, thigh high boots and a top with most of their gigantic chest popping out of it. Their clothing, or lack there of, is demeaning and serves only to objectify the woman on the screen.
The truth is, the vast majority of video games objectify women with the clothes they're wearing, or not wearing, and the way they are drawn. So we have to ask ourselves, what does it do to our sons and daughters to see women drawn and dressed like this over and over and over again? "
Constant exposure to this type of depiction in video games—as in any other media—can be damaging to kids. It affects self-esteem and body image..." (from High Heels On The Battlefield: Sexual Objectification In Video Games) I'd go far beyond that, and say it also teaches kids that a woman's value lies only in her looks and the size of her sexual body parts, not her brain, her courage, or any other part of what makes her a person. It teaches boys that women are things to ogle. Without them even being aware, it begins to train their brains to see women not as people but as things. It teaches girls that if their bodies don't match the ideal body they see in a video game, then they aren't beautiful. These are the dangers of exposing our kids to objectified images of women in video games.
The scary things is, objectified images of women are really the tip of the iceberg when it comes to pornography and gaming. In Matt Fradd's book, The Porn Myth, there is a whole chapter devoted to something called "anime porn". Anime porn is actually called "hentai" which is the Japanese word for perverted. This type of pornography and gaming is often looked at as harmless and even safe, because it doesn't involve real people. You'll hear it defended by statements like this: "It's just a game." "It's pretend." "It's fantasy." "It's just a drawing."
The trouble is, the purpose of anime porn is the same as in live action porn: "the degradation and objectification of women for the masturbatory pleasure of men. The female figure is nothing more than an object for male pleasure.....women are portrayed as powerless--either powerless over male advances or powerless over their own sexual euphoria that compels them to be dominated." (from The Porn Myth pg 130). So the types of games that have this kind of pornography in them are feeding gamers the exact same messages that live action porn does: women are things to be controlled and used in whatever ways the male wants to, not people who are to be respected and treated as equals.
To me, the most disturbing and frightening aspect of anime porn is that absolutely anything is possible with it. Because it is "just a drawing" any fantasy or fetish can be acted out. The opportunity for perversion in this realm of gaming and pornography is seemingly limitless: rape, child porn, physical abuse, murder, and even more. In gaming, this means that the gamer has the opportunity for complete control over the female player. Think I'm exaggerating or over the top? In the game "Dead or Alive 5 features a mechanic where players can control the female characters’ breasts. Like, actually jiggling them up and down with the controller." (from High Heels On The Battlefield: Sexual Objectification In Video Games). Sadly, this kind of game isn't an anomaly. There are plenty of games where there is full nudity, and graphic sex scenes. "It can’t be denied that the gaming industry might be trying to keep up with the porn industry with more graphic additions." (from Fight the New Drug).
Why does this matter? Like Matt Fraud says, "because the films are animated, the consumer does not need to feel any compassion for a character, because she is not real. As a lifeless scribbling of ink, she has no rights and no choice and is therefore subject to the creator's (or gamer's) impulses." (from The Porn Myth pg 131). When our kids are put into positions, over and over again, where they are not compelled to show compassion or to have empathy, that spills over into other parts of their real life. This is not the world we want to raise our kids in! Yet, if your kids are allowed unfettered access to video games, there is a strong possibility that at one point they will play these games, or at least have friends who play them and show them to your kids. Perhaps not now, but remember, when it comes to pornography, we have to plan for the now and for the later.
Again, you might be thinking, "my kid doesn't play those games, and he never will!" The trouble with this line of thinking is that both the gaming industry and the porn industry are always looking for ways to get your kids addicted to their product. There are huge amounts of money to be made in both industries: "Worth an estimated $99.6 billion, video games are big business, followed by the porn industry’s $97 billion global worth." (from Fight The New Drug). And the way to keep making money is to have a constant flow of new customers. Therefore, it is in these industries best interest to get your kids hooked as soon as they can. You are fighting a really big and powerful enemy. That's exactly why we can't assume that our kids will never play these kids of games. After all, there is a whole industry out there trying to get them to.
So what can you do to protect your kids?
*First, be hyper aware about what games your kids are playing. Both at your house and at their friends houses. Know each and every game they are playing, both on gaming consoles and on the computer. And don't let your kids play any that objectify women, or have sexual content.
*Next, research the games your kids are playing. Read reviews and find out the content of each game. One of my favorite resources for video game reviews is Common Sense Media, found here. This site breaks down each game with a recommended age for players, a summary of the game, and ratings for violence, sex, language, positive messages, and more.
I also like the site Cyber Safety Cop. He has a whole section where he reviews apps and games. Its extremely helpful.
*Be sure you check out the apps your kids are downloading and playing too. There are apps that are just as full of objectionable material as traditional video games. For example, this app is a plastic surgery game: "Manage a beauty clinic in Beverly Hills!" These apps are directed at girls as young as 8, encouraging them to perform various types of plastic surgery to achieve ultimate beauty. The game's description reads, “No one could resist the temptation of beauty! Every girl dreams of a delicate face and stunning figure. If makeup can’t give the beauty you want, then come to join this amazing plastic surgery game! You can turn into a Victoria’s Secret model at once!” (from Cyber Safety Cop) I can't make this stuff up! Please check what your kids are playing on their devices.
*Boys are not the only ones playing games. Girls are gamers too. Don't think you don't have to worry about pornography and gaming because you only have daughters.
*In the same way that you shouldn't let your child have unlimited or unchaperoned access to the internet, your child should not have unlimited or unchaperoned access to video games either. Some online video games have chat rooms or opportunities for your kids to intact with other players that you don't know. People! Don't let strangers talk to your kids on video games! Be there when your kids are playing. If you can't be, then don't let them play.
*Don't think that using a video game console keeps your kids safe. It’s not just gaming on a phone or a computer than can be dangerous. Many, many kids have been exposed to pornography through video game consoles, like Xbox, Wii, Play Station. or the Nintendo Switch. Know your game console and how to enact every safety feature on it that you can! This site has step by step instructions for setting up safety controls on all kinds of gaming and other devices.
*Know that the world of gaming and pornography are inherently linked. Whether by the sexual images and content displayed in many video games, or by the way gaming and porn addictions often go hand in hand. Watch this Ted Talk by psychologist Philip Zimbardo on the subject if you'd like to learn more about links between the two. This article also discusses the same topic.
BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS FROM PORNOGRAPHY WHILE THEY ARE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES IS TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT.
Remember what I said earlier about forward thinking parenting? This is the perfect opportunity to practice this. Don't just say, "no video games!" Or, if you discover they're playing one with material that you object to, shut it off and shout, "we don't play these kinds of games!" Always, always, talk to your kids. Tell them why you feel the way you do, why your family practices certain rules or limits with video games, why certain images are harmful, and why some games are dangerous. Don't ever close the door to communication. Instead, use every opportunity given you to have honest conversations with your kids about these topics.
Here are some suggested talking points for you to use with your kids as you discuss pornography and video games. Of course you'll need to modify the conversation based on the age of your child. But even a young child who is playing video games should be warned about potential dangers and then given a plan for when they encounter one.
Ideas for Discussion:
*Explain what objectification is and why it is harmful to both women and men. (Find a helpful post about the topic of objectification here.)
*Make your kids media literate. ( more on this idea in the book How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography)
*Explain how video game images often portray women in sexualized, objectified ways and why this is harmful to both men and women.
*Explain that any game that promotes women as sexual objects is not training the player's heart or mind to see that woman as a person worthy of respect.
*Tell them that there are video games with pornography in them--if they are older be honest about what's out there, anything from full nudity to actual sex acts--and what to do if they accidentally see one. Give them a plan for getting out of the situation at home or at their friend's house.
*Tell them that the pornography and gaming industry want to get them hooked on games and porn. There are "big bad guys" who want to trick them. By making your kids aware of the agenda of these industries, they are less likely to become prey.
Remember many video games in and of themselves are not evil or even bad. "The problem here lies in the blurring of the lines between entertainment and pornography. Porn is bleeding into every single aspect of our society, contributing to the objectification of the human body, rape culture, and basic desensitization to sexual material. Porn culture can be seen in gaming culture with the commodification of sex as entertainment, with no shortage of detailed sex scenes, and no “fade to black” or blurring out of graphic scenes." (from Fight the New Drug) Being aware of these things, and then being proactive with that awareness is one of the most important ways you can protect your kids from pornography in video games, and in the rest of the media and entertainment they consume.
In the end, we have to remember that in order to protect our kids from pornography, we must be forward thinking. We have to be aware of the various ways and places our kids can be exposed to pornography, both now and as they continue to grow. We have to be hyper aware and involved in the games they are playing and the media they are consuming. We have to arm our with information, and a plan for the time when they are exposed to pornography. Most importantly, we need to continually talk to them about the realities of growing up in a pornified culture. And then we need to give them the tools to fight back against that evil!
It is my hope that this article gives you food for thought, steps for action, and a determination to protect your kids and kids everywhere from the dangers of pornography. We don't have to give up and let the evil overcome us. Together we can fight back!
For further reading on this subject, please read this post describing the dangers of pornography, this post on radical ways you can protect your kids from pornography, and this post encouraging you to connect with your kids and give them something better than the emptiness of pornography.
Best,
Greta
#gretafightsporn
Give Them Something Better! Protecting Our Kids From Pornography Part III
In my first two articles about protecting our kids from pornography, I laid out the dangers of porn, and then suggested ways that parents can take some radical steps to help protect their kids from those dangers. But the reality is, there is no ultimate prevention for our children never being exposed to pornography. We know that kids are spending a tremendous amount of time plugged into screens. With so much time spent on the internet, watching tv and movies, playing video games, and all the other ways kids are interacting with technology, we know that their access to porn of all kinds is practically limitless. In fact, “the average age of first exposure to pornography is 11, and 90% of 8-16 year olds have viewed porn online.” (X3 Watch) Therefore we can’t stick our heads in the sand and say, “not my kid”. Nor can we have a one time conversation with our kids where we simply say, “don’t look at porn” and end it there. Unfortunately, that’s what so many of us parents do. We say, “don’t,” and that’s where our fight ends. Instead, that should be just the beginning of our fight to protect our kids!
There are many things we can do to help our kids in this battle they’re facing against the dangers of pornography. Here are 3 simple ones you can start today.
First, we can pray for them. We should pray every day for their present and future fight against porn. We should pray for their spouses too.
Next, we protect them. We put into practice some radical steps to make our homes a safe haven in a world where porn is practically everywhere.
And third, we prepare them. We know that they will encounter pornography at some point, whether on their own phone or computer, or on someone else’s. So we give them a battle plan for that moment.
But the fact is, we still have to do more. Monitoring screen time and putting blocks on their devices is not enough. We must give them real life alternatives so the siren call of the screen isn't so strong. We have to give them something better!! When we give our kids healthy and engaging opportunities that allow them to make real life connections with us, with their siblings, with their friends, and with the world around them, we’re doing just that. Those connections are the better thing.
The truth about pornography is that it is devoid of connection. It is empty, isolating, and an utterly lonely experience. And the more a person uses porn, the more isolated and lonely they become. “Author and political activist Naomi Wolf has traveled all over the United States talking with college students about relationships. ‘When I ask about loneliness, a deep, sad silence descends on audiences of young men and young women alike,’ she says. ‘They know they are lonely together … and that [porn] is a big part of that loneliness. What they don’t know is how to get out.” (Why Porn Leaves Consumers Lonely) We must protect our kids from living life this way. We have to provide them with a way out. We have to provide opportunities for connection.
First, we want to help our kids connect with us. One of the best ways we can do this is to stop believing the lie that as our kids get older they don’t want to be with us. I’ve heard so many parents say, “they’re glued to their phones and they only want to be with their friends.” Parents! We need to give our kids a reason to put down their phones. If our kids know we want to be with them, they’re more likely to want to be with us.
This will require work on our part. Connecting with our kids is more than sitting side by side on the drive to school or soccer practice. It means saying no to headphones in the car or on shopping trips, and actually talking to each other. It means studying our kids, and really, truly, getting to know them. It means finding out the things that they love and taking part in those things. Maybe taking a class together, or even visiting some destination they’ve longed to see. Cooking dinner together, going camping, planting a garden, training for a 5K, or building a tree house. It means regular, scheduled time spent together, away from the distractions of technology and daily routines.
If your kids are young, you can establish these patterns from an early age. One idea: don’t turn on videos in the car. Let your littles tell you about every. single. thing. they see on the drive to the grocery store. And answer back! Get used to talking to each other, listening, and responding. With older kids, it might be harder to start these new habits. But give it time, and give them grace as you do. New things can be hard, and if its been eons since you spent time together unplugged, and away from home, it might take getting used to. But I do believe that the continual investment of time and energy into building connections between your heart and theirs will help knock down the walls of loneliness and isolation that pornography wants to build.
Next you want to help your kids build connections with their siblings and friends. “That’s easy,” you’re thinking. “They always want to be with their friends.” But what I am talking about here is helping your kids learn to really talk to one another, and make heart to heart connections, not just sit next to each other and play Mario Kart on the Wii. I’m not talking about walking next to each other with ear buds in and music playing. Or sitting on a bench together with their faces in their phones. Those kids are in each other’s presence yes, but not truly involved in each other’s lives. We want our kids involved in the lives of their family and friends.
Here’s the thing, pornography pulls people away from each other, because pornography is an easy escape from the hard work of real relationships. “Relationships can be complicated: they involve truly knowing, caring for, and serving another person at the expense of one’s own desires. Pornography, however, is one sided.” (The Porn Myth) So if we want our kids to really and truly connect with other people, we have to teach them how to do that and then provide a place where it can actually happen. We have to be proactive.
What does that look like? The hiking trail comes to mind. Not only is there often no cell service out on a trail, but walking together shoulder to shoulder provides a perfect backdrop for real conversation. But there is also building Legos, or talking about the books that they love, playing a sport together, drawing at the table side by side, having nerf gun battles, or playing a board game. All of these things require more effort from us parents. They take our time. They take our resources. They take our energy. They might make our homes more loud, more messy, and more chaotic. But aren’t our children worth all of that? I know you agree with me that they are.
Lastly we want our kids to connect with the world around them. Kids need to care about the people that make up the world they live in. They need to be invested in activities that help that happen. Pornography doesn’t do this. It doesn’t build connections. It severs them. That’s because pornography doesn’t build compassion, kindness or empathy in the hearts of its viewers. Instead it treats human beings as objects. Objects to be dominated, used and even mistreated.
I’ve found that one of the simplest and most powerful ways to help my kids grow compassion and care for others is to read books together. Story is a powerful teacher. When we read Harper Lee’s “To Kill A Mockingbird”, we are inspired by Atticus Finch’s fight for justice and good, even in the face of terrible odds. When we read C.S. Lewis’ “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” we are moved to be as compassionate and forgiving as Aslan is to Edmund, the one who betrayed him. And when we read Corrie Ten Boom’s “The Hiding Place”, we are horrified to know the depths of evil that lies in the hearts of some. But then we rejoice to see the strength and dignity that lies in the hearts of others. When our kids read books that teach these lessons, it flies in the face of the lies that pornography tries to tell them.
We want to give our kids a fighting chance against pornography. While we know they will encounter it at some point in their lives, we hope they will have the strength to turn away when they do. One of the best ways we can help them have that strength is to make the good in their life more appealing than the porn. Real relationships, and heart to heart connections, are those good things. Lets give our kids something better than pornography ever could.
Keep Being Radical,
Greta
If you'd like to read my article about the dangers of pornography, full of facts and resources, go here.
If you'd like to read my article about the ways you can make radically parent your kids and arm them for the fight against pornography, go here.
If you'd like to listen to my podcast episode about protecting our kids against pornography, go here.
If you'd like some of my favorite book to use as resources on this topic, go here.
If you'd like to have me speak on this topic, please contact me here.
RADICAL PARENTING--Protecting Our Kids From Pornography Part II
A couple months ago I hosted an episode of the At Home podcast (sorry this podcast is no longer available. But you can listen to me on the same subject here.) where I talked about the dangers of pornography and why we need to work tirelessly to protect our children from it. I then wrote a blog post on the same subject. After the episode aired and the blog post was published, the responses came pouring in. To be honest, I was overwhelmed by them. I felt the weight of the stories people shared with me, and that weight was so heavy on my heart.
There were messages from parents, compelled by the episode to check their children’s phones or devices, and then found porn. There were college girls who shared they were addicted to pornography, and many of their friends were too. There were marriages damaged or even broken by porn. And perhaps the hardest of all to hear, was the message from a wife who asked for prayer for her husband. He serves in law enforcement and investigates child pornography. Oh my heart ached for that man and what he must experience in order to protect children at risk.
So as I processed these stories, I kept researching. I’m reading books and articles, and trying to find out all I can about pornography, so that I can better convince parents that it is a tremendous threat to the life long health and well being of their children. I want parents to see how devious and clever the porn industry is, so that parents will recognize that putting a few restrictions on their kids phone isn’t enough. The porn industry wants your child to see pornography and then wants them to keep coming back to it again and again and again.
But more than anything, I want to help parents have conversations about pornography with their kids. I want to help them get over the awkward and uncomfortable and just make the conversations happen. And then keep happening. Because saying “porn is bad. Don’t look at it,” is not enough! We need to have a continuous conversation with our kids about sexuality in all its forms. Meaning, we need to warn them of the way pornography twists, perverts, and destroys sex. And then we need to share with them the beauty and wonder of sex, the way God created and designed it to be. I want so much for parents and kids to be able to have these conversations because I know that so much is at stake if they don’t.
As I’ve thought at length over all the conversations I’ve had and messages I’ve received. I’ve asked myself, “what important things I need to take away from this? How can it be a help to others?’
And so I’ve come up with a few things you can doing right now to begin protecting your kids from damage of pornography. It’s true, some of them will sound radical, but I am ok with being over the top. I am not going to tip toe around this any more and play nice. Its time for us parents to stand up and be willing to be different.
I’m reading the book “The Tech-Wise Family’ right now. Its by Andy Crouch and I absolutely love what he says in the book about how we need to interact with technology in our families. Here’s what he says:
“There is a better way. It doesn’t require us to become Amish, entirely separating ourselves from the modern technological world, and it doesn’t require us to deny the real benefits that technology provides our families and our wider society. But let me be direct and honest: this better way is radical. It requires making choices that most of our neighbors aren’t making. It requires making choices that most of our neighbors in church aren’t making. Let me put it this way: you don’t have to become Amish, but you probably have to become closer to Amish than you think.” (The Tech-Wise Family pgs 28-29)
Become Amish! I can’t even tell you how much this made me laugh. But also want to stand up and pump my fist and yell, AMEN!!! I kind of did that, actually, except I was sitting in my car in a parking lot, so I didn’t stand up. But I sure did shout AMEN! Because that right there is truth.
We really do have to be willing to be radical. If we truly want to protect our children from pornography, we have to be willing to be radically different from the rest of the world. Its the only way to give them a fighting chance now, and to help them protect themselves from porn once they leave our home.
So yeah, the following ideas might seem totally insane to you. I get that. But guess what? I am willing to be the crazy mom in this situation. I am willing to do what it takes to protect my kids from porn, and then to arm them for the fight so they can protect themselves down the road.
Take a look at the following list. I dare you to implement some, or all, of them in your family.
*Don't wait for your kid to become a teenager to discuss pornography. Start when they’re young. And give them tools to protect themselves. This is a great book to use.
*Create a radically different approach to technology use in your home when your kids are young, so that becomes their norm. It will make it so much easier when they get older. Make a plan now and enact it, so you don’t have to back track later.
*Build a community of parents around you who share the same ideas about porn protection so that your kids have friends who talk and play with each other, instead of hanging out on their phones together.
*Don’t let your kids use tablets or laptops with internet access unsupervised. We don’t own tablets in our home, but our kids do use our laptops. They only use them in the room with me, never alone. And they let me know ahead of time what they will be searching, and I decide if they need me to look with them.
*Make sure any smart phone, tablet, or tablet your child uses has restrictions on it. Take it one step further and install something like Net Nanny to really provide protection for your kids if they are online.
*Don’t get your kids a smart phone. Flip phones are a fantastic alternative if you need to be able to keep track of your kid or have them call you when they need a ride home. Flip phones do exist. You just have to look a bit harder for them.
*Or, if your kid wants something for music, audio books, or taking photos etc, give her an ipod. She will have no wifi outside your home, or no wifi at all unless you enable it. Put every stinking restriction on that iPod, and disable Safari or Chrome, and disable Siri. You can also or only turn on wifi while she downloads a book or a song. Then you turn that wifi off and she just has a device for listening to music or books and for taking pictures.
*Don’t let your kids have Instagram, Snapchat, Tik Tok, or any of the other social media accounts and apps that have porn hidden in them, provide opportunities for sending nudes or sexting, and are just a gateway to things your kids need nothing to do with. If you can’t pull the plug completely, enact every safety control you can, and get monitoring software like Bark on your child’s device.
*Only let your kids text members of the opposite sex on a parent’s device or with parent’s supervision. Wait WHAT?? Yep. I told you, we can’t be afraid to be radical. Guess what? If you enact this rule, your kids are way less likely to send or receive sexts or nudes. Just sayin.
*When friends or guests come visit your house, don't allow their phones or tablets in your children's bedrooms. You can invite them to leave their phones in a safe place in your living room or some other public part of your house. Then, if they want to use it or show your kids something on their device, they can do it out in the open, with you around. Not only does this offer a layer of protection from devices without restrictions or filters, but it also encourages real connecting between your kids and their friends. No one can get lost in their phone. They actually have to talk and play together!
*Don’t let your kids play video games. Or monitor VERY closely which games they play. Oh man, I said it. We are a very minimal video game family. What I mean by that is we have no gaming consoles and the one gaming device we have is a vintage game boy. The screen is tiny, the images are pixilated, there are no over sexualized women in the games. Most important, it has no internet access. That means no one can send my kids porn or messages while they are playing. That’s right, sexual predators can access your kid through a gaming device. And often they start by sending them porn.
If you can’t do a total break up with video games, at the very least, be extremely aware of what your kid is playing. If they’re playing a game with sexualized images of women, toss that game! Many video games objectify women and parents don’t even think about the messages their sons and daughters are absorbing from seeing those images over and over again. And please, please, please, don’t let your kids play video game consoles or devices with internet access in their rooms or unsupervised.
*Don’t let your kid have headphones on constantly. How about making rules like,”we talk to each other in the car”, or “we talk to each other when we go grocery shopping”. I can’t tell you how sad I am when I see kids and parents living life side by side and never talking to one another.
*Communicate openly with other parents about your convictions in the area of pornography protection. That means asking what filters and restrictions are in place when your child goes to their home. And what access their children have to the internet. Because if their children have access, so do yours. You have to be willing to be uncomfortable in these conversations, because I guarantee, it will be uncomfortable sometimes.
*Don’t let your own struggles with pornography keep you from talking to your kids about it. Lets be real here, a lot of parents, dads and moms, watch pornography. Many don’t want to, but they struggle with the addictive qualities of pornography. But if that’s your story, it doesn’t have to be your kids’ story! Help them escape the trap you’re in and have a healthy relationship with sexuality.
Now I know that list feels heavy for some of you. This kind of radical approach to protecting your kids requires work form you. It means being available while they are online, it means not letting them zone out with video games or on their phones so you can zone out with yours. It means talking to each other. It means being brave enough to ask other parents, some who might not share your convictions, tough questions. It means standing out. Being radical is not the easy path. But I hope more and more of us parents are willing to make these sacrifices for out kids and their future health and happiness.
You might. also be asking, "how can I go backwards with my kids when so many of these things are already happening in our home?” I’m afraid I don’t have all the answers for you. I do know it will be hard. Thats why I urge parents to set radical boundaries up early. The sooner you create this norm in your family, the better. And the easier it will be to keep in place as they grow up.
But if you are already a ways down the road with your preteen or teen, I suggest you start by sitting down with them and tell them the facts about pornography. Read this book together if you don’t know where to start. Or read this book with your older kids ( ages 10 +) Give them the facts so they are protected.
And if they are pre-teens or teens, give them even more facts, so they are better able to see why you so desperately need to protect them from porn. Pornography is linked to the objectification of women, violent sex and rape, adultery, depression, suicide, sex trafficking and child pornography. That's the radical truth they need to know. As much as you don’t want to let them know those facts, they need to. Especially if they are going to have a fit when you hand them a flip phone.
Lastly, I know I threw a huge “don’t” list at you. I think everything on that list has value. And can go a long way in protecting our kids from the dangers of porn. But I also know that by simply saying “no” to our kids and never offering them something better, they might just drift back to all the things we said no to. Because that stuff is attractive. Its designed to pull them in.
In my next article, I will discuss the idea of giving our kids something better than pornography. Because if we really want them to say no to porn, we need to give them something to say yes to.
Now, are you ready to get radical with me? Please start by sharing this article with your spouse, family and friends. Talk about it together and discuss how you can work together to create a safe environment for your kids. After all, its going to take more than one parent working alone. We have to fight this battle as a unified army. But I am confidant that together, if we’re willing to be radical, we can make a difference. Let’s do this!
Falling In Love With My Body Again
Guys, I want to talk about body image. And aging. And exercise. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty. (All my Nacho fans out there, holla!). After a 7 month hiatus from working out, my body is finally healed enough that I’m able to exercise again. It’s been glorious! It's been humbling. And I've learned a lot.
It started with a step aerobics class that my sweet, encouraging husband invited me to take with him a couple weeks ago. (read about it here) Not because he’s a big step aerobics fan, but because he knew I needed to start somewhere, and step aerobics seemed low key. It was so fun. And it was hard! Before my injury, I was climbing 8 foot walls and 15 foot ropes to the ceiling. I could knock out 100 burpees in a workout. And here I was now, huffing and puffing in step aerobics.
But I was so happy to be able to move my body without pain that I didn’t care. That time away gave me a deep appreciation for a body that could move without excruciating pain. That mattered more than weight gain, loss of muscle tone, and a drastically altered fitness state. I just cared that I could move! My focus changed.
Still, as I looked at myself in the mirror every day and saw this new me, I struggled. There are parts that aren't my favorite. Because the thing is, no amount of photo filters, dressing for my body type, magical face creams, organic tonics and elixirs or spanx can change the fact that I’m a flabby, middle aged woman, with 20 pounds to lose, a stubborn hair that keeps growing out of her chin, crepey neck skin, spider vines on her thighs and a receding hair line. That isn't body shaming. It’s just the truth.
But guess what?
Those things don’t describe how my heart feels! My heart feels 20. Or 16. Or sometimes even 12. Light and young and happy and full of life! And when I exercise, the feelings in my heart become louder than the outside voices that fill my head.
When I exercise, my heart says, you are beautiful. Even if I haven’t lost a pound. When I exercise, my heart says, you are strong. My heart says, yes you can climb trees with your kids! My heart says, go ahead, flirt with your husband. My heart says, who cares about that chin hair? Pluck that sucker out and move on!
With time, exercise should change some of that flabbiness and weight gain. But I’ll still never match the standard of outward beauty that the world throws at me. It’s simply not possible. And that’s exactly why I love exercising. Because when I exercise I fall in love with my body for what it is and what it can do, instead of hating it for all that it isn’t.
Ladies, we need to stop lamenting the fact that we don’t look like the photoshopped models we see all around us. Or even like the other women just like us who we see on social media everyday. Instead we need to rejoice that our bodies can nurse babies and bend over to make beds. We should celebrate that we are walking or running, taking step aerobics or going mountain biking. We should be grateful for a mind that is fed and fueled by good books. For a heart that is filled with compassion. For a smile, even one without perfectly white teeth, that fills other people with joy and makes them smile in return. There is so much more to us than those stupid Instagram filters show. Or don’t show.
So let’s stop comparing ourselves to others. Let’s rejoice in what we can do and in who we are—flaws and all. In fact, I pray that we can grow to see ourselves in this way:
“She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. She is beautiful.” F Scott Fitzgerald.
Isn't that an incredible description of true beauty? I have that quote hanging in my kitchen to read daily. Because it encapsulates the kind of beauty I long to emanate, the kind that matters most. It’s the opposite of the beauty the world tries to tell me matters most. It’s a beauty that comes from the heart. May we all be that kind of beautiful!
Love you all!
Greta
And because I can't write a post without a book recommendation, here are 3 books on this subject that I want you to read with your kids. Because we all need to start helping our children, girls and boys, have this understanding of what true beauty is.
The books are:
The Velveteen Rabbit
The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane
Wonder.
If your kids are 9 and up, I'd read all 3. If they are younger than that, start with the Velveteen Rabbit and then work your way up to the other 2 books.
And don't just hand the books to them. Read them aloud together! Let the stories sink into your minds and hearts. Talk about them! And then, revisit those stories now and again. Books are such a good place to begin to help our kids that true beauty comes from the inside.
