Have You Talked to Your Kids About Objectification?

Why is pornography connected to things like sexual violence, sex trafficking and even child pornography and child sexual abuse?  

Because of objectification. 

When we objectify people, we strip them of their humanity and turn them into objects. We don’t see them as real people who are worthy of respect and honor.

Pornography is the ultimate example of objectification. Pornography trains the brain to see humans as sexual objects to use and abuse for our own pleasure, and then to discard when they no longer satisfy us.

We don’t want to believe that translates off the screen, but it does. We know it does because those very things I mentioned above are happening every day. And the rate at which they’re happening is growing at a terrifying speed. 

Consider this: “research routinely shows that frequent porn consumers are more likely to sexually objectify and dehumanize others, more likely to express an intent to rape, less likely to intervene during a sexual assault, more likely to victim-blame survivors of sexual violence, more likely to support violence against women, more likely to forward sexts without consent, and more likely to commit actual acts of sexual violence.” from Fight The New Drug

(see more articles on this topic here here here and here) 

This reality means we must talk to our kids about objectification. Our kids need to know what objectification is so they can recognize it and reject it! 

Protecting our kids from pornography must be more than installing protective software on devices. It must also include conversations to help our kids understand the way porn can negatively impact their body, their brain and their heart. 

The truth is, though, our kids don’t even have to see pornography to be exposed to objectification. It doesn’t just happen in porn. 

We see objectification all the time in our culture. We see it in movies, tv shows, music videos, advertisements, video games, on billboards and magazine covers, and even in comic books and cartoons. I believe these things are the training ground to desensitize us, and our kids, to objectification. 

That’s why it’s critical to teach our kids that human beings are worthy of respect honor. We need to remind them daily that their bodies, all bodies, are fearfully and wonderfully made. Calling out objectification as the evil that it can be an aid in ultimately rejecting pornography.

Now I know you might be thinking, “OK Greta, this all makes sense. But how in the world can I start a conversation with my kids about objectification?”

Friends! Parents! Fellow porn fighters! Do not fear! I have some helpful tips for you to talk about objectification with your kids of all ages. 

Here you go:

For the youngest kids--5 and under--you want to focus on understanding that their body is an amazingly designed machine! Every part of their body is uniquely created for a specific purpose and every part of them is wonderful. Giving them a healthy view of their own body is the first step helping them see all humans as worthy of respect and honor. Consider memorizing Psalm 139:4 together: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well.”

You can reenforce those ideas when you begin to talk about body safety. Helping them see their own bodies as fearfully and wonderfully made will help them understand more fully that their bodies are worthy of respect, honor and protection. A great book to aid you in this conversation is God Made All of Me by Justin Holcomb.

Around 8 or 9 years old you can introduce the idea of objectification without adding the sexual aspect. You can offer a very simple definition, something like this: objectification is looking at and treating someone as an object instead of as a whole person. It is the opposite of respecting and honoring a human being.

You can talk about examples of objectification occurring in history, in books they’ve read or in the present day. Help them to see that objectification does not honor our fellow human beings the way God wants us to. Consider memorizing Philippians 2:3 together: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourself.”

For kids ages 12+ (or when your child is developmentally and emotionally ready) you can help them begin to see the connection between sexually driven images and objectification. You can expand on the definition of objectification by adding one word, like this: objectification is looking at and treating someone as a sexual object instead of as a whole person. It is the opposite of respecting and honoring a human being.

You can discuss places where objectification happens. If you’re stumped, refer to this list: in movies, tv shows, music videos, advertisements, video games, on billboards and magazine covers, and even in comic books and cartoons.

These discussions will go a long way in helping them become wise media consumers and help them discern when objectification is being used to market or sell a product. Two helpful books for this conversation are:  How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography by Educate and Empower Kids and A Student’s Guide to Culture by Brett Kunkle and John Stonestreet. 

Ask your kids how they can change the narrative around objectification and not accept it as a part of their own healthy sexual outlook. What are ways they can practice viewing and treating their fellow humans as whole people? How can they honor and respect the human body in a world that is trying to make them do the opposite? Help them see they have an opportunity to be a change agent in a world that wants to turn people into products.

Finally, you’ll need to explain that pornography is the ultimate example of objectification. Porn teaches that people are products to be consumed, to be used, and often to be abused. It’s also important to recognize that both men and women are objectified in porn. (see article here) Pornography, and the damage it causes, are not a just male issues or female issues. They are human issues.

It’s so important to help our kids understand the way pornography can change their view of people as less human. Helping them say no to porn consumption means addressing their heart, not just putting a parental block on their smart phone. You might try watching the documentary Brain Heart World with your teens to help them further understand the negative effects of objectification and pornography. Consider memorizing Romans 12: 9-10 together: “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Honor one another above yourselves.”

Remember, the topic of objectification is not a one-time conversation. This is something you should be talking about with your kids often. Make an effort to point out objectification when it’s happening, but even more, make an effort to model the opposite of objectification. Humans are made in the image of God and therefore worthy of dignity, honor and respect. Helping our kids see themselves and others in this light is one of the best ways to help them see pornography for the dangerous evil that it is. 

Grateful to be fighting alongside you,

Greta
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Have You Talked to Your Kids About Masturbation Yet?

Have you talked to your kids about masturbation yet?

The answer for most of us parents is, probably not.

Because, quite honestly, it’s a topic most of us would like to ignore. Or pretend doesn’t exist. Especially when it comes to our kids.

 But the reality is, masturbation can have a huge impact on the sexual health and well-being of your child both now and in the future. It can even have an impact on his or her future relationships and marriage. The topic of masturbation is not something to be ignored. It’s a big deal and we parents need to be discussing it with our kids. Because if you don’t, they’ll get their answers from their friends, popular culture or worst of all, the internet.

 Now I know there are a lot of different opinions about masturbation. Two of the most common opinions are that it is always sinful, or that it is normal, harmless and even healthy.

I don’t agree with either of those opinions. Let me explain why.

 For those who believe masturbation is always sinful, I’d argue that there is a big difference between a child who is pre-puberty and self-stimulate and a pre-teen or teen who is masturbating. Young children who are self- stimulating are generally not engaging in a sexual act. They are just doing something that feels good. The trouble is that this act of self-stimulation can become a habit, which can lead to physical and emotional damage when the child becomes older and is sexually aware. 

 Another, more troubling, part of this conversation is the fact that a growing number of young children are being exposed to pornography. That can result in them acting out the things they have seen, including masturbation. Research shows us again and again that porn rewires the brain, and when it is combined with masturbation, it creates a habit that is incredibly difficult to break. Especially for the developing brain of a youth. And that habit can lead to a host of different kinds of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual damage the longer masturbation is engaged in.

 So, whether you believe masturbation is always a sinful act or not, it is clear that masturbation is neither harmless nor healthy. That’s why I believe it’s important to talk to our kids about this topic instead of ignoring it, pretending it doesn’t exist, or hoping our kids will just figure it out on their own. None of those options will help them toward the healthy sexual future that we want for them. 

 Here are 5 truths about the negative effects of masturbation:

Masturbation distorts God’s design for intimacy.
Masturbation is an unhealthy way to deal with negative emotions. 
Masturbation promotes objectification of others.
Masturbation can lead to sexual selfishness in marriage.
When coupled with porn, masturbation can become a mentally, physically and emotionally damaging habit. 

 Let’s discuss each one of these in more detail.

Masturbation distorts God’s design for intimacy. 

Sexual intimacy is designed for two people. It is the most intimate and connecting act that exists for us to engage in. When we turn sexual intimacy into a solitary act, we make it only about pleasing ourselves. That is not what God designed sex for. 

 Masturbation is an unhealthy way to deal with negative emotions.

It’s very common to turn to masturbation when experiencing feelings of boredom, sadness, stress, loneliness, depression, or a poor self-image. That’s because masturbation releases a big hit of the feel-good chemical dopamine. The trouble is masturbation doesn’t truly deal with the source of those feelings. It simply masks or dulls them for a short time. Masking negative emotions with masturbation is just as unhealthy as masking them with things binge eating, drug or alcohol abuse, compulsive shopping, or mindless scrolling.

 Masturbation promotes objectification of others.

It is nearly impossible to engage in masturbation without fantasizing about another person. Often those fantasies are not honoring to those people. Instead, they are taking them from their true role as people worthy of honor and respect and turning them into sex objects. This is especially true if porn is being used with masturbation. If you are married, there is a temptation to fantasize and lust after someone other than your spouse. This does not honor your spouse or the person you are fantasizing about. It is not a far reach to suggest that this could also be the first step towards a host of damaging acts to yourself, others, and your marriage vows.

 Masturbation can lead to sexual selfishness in marriage.

When one person in a marriage is unwilling to engage in sexual intimacy, masturbation can be a tempting solution. However, by choosing masturbation, the rejected spouse loses an opportunity to love sacrificially, and puts their own desires in front of their spouse’s. That is sexual selfishness, and it has no place in a healthy sexual relationship. If avoidance of sexual intimacy is a frequent problem, masturbation does nothing to address the real reason intimacy is being avoided. Instead, it is a lazy and selfish way to avoid dealing with the issue and continuing in it will not restore health to the marriage.

When coupled with porn, masturbation can become a mentally, physically and emotionally damaging habit. 

Science is only beginning to show the full impact porn consumption has on the brain and body. However, research does already show that regular porn use can contribute to things like depression, marital dissatisfaction, disinterest in regular activities, viewing people as objects to be used for personal gain, self-hatred, intimacy disorders, and erectile dysfunction in otherwise healthy young men. The addictive quality of porn use when coupled with masturbation has been likened to drugs like cocaine.

 Knowing all this should motivate you to talk with your kids about masturbation and the potential impact it can have on them, and their future relationships and marriage. But I know you are wondering, “how do I bring up this very awkward topic with my kids? And how do I talk about it appropriately with my kids of different ages?” Let me offer some suggestions.

 As I mentioned before, most children who engage in self stimulation are not acting in a sexual way. They are simply responding to something that feels good, or they are dealing with their feelings of frustration, boredom, anxiety, fatigue, sadness etc. I personally engaged in self stimulation as a child and for me it was a self-soothing activity just like sucking my thumb or stroking my blankie.  I didn’t equate it with anything sexual until I was a pre-teen. Even after I understood it was a private act, I still didn’t connect it to sex. 

 Masturbation did not become a habit I had a difficult time controlling, nor did I encounter pornography as a child or teen and connect those two things. I also don’t recall my parents ever talking to me about it as a child or a teen. My husband doesn’t recall his parents talking to him about it either. Both of us had a desire for more openness and conversation with our kids when it came to sexual things, so we have been open with our kids on this topic.

If we noticed self-stimulating activities when they were little, we’d just redirect them as much as possible. When they got a little older and were developmentally able to understand the idea of treating their body and emotions in the best way possible (around the age of 3, 4 or 5), we’d tell them their body is beautiful and an amazing machine, designed by God, and this wasn’t the best way to treat it. I’d also teach them that this wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with what they were feeling--tired, stressed, bored, hungry etc. And then we’d talk about and practice dealing with those feelings in more healthy ways. We didn’t make it about shame or make them feel bad for engaging self-stimulation. Instead, it was just about treating their body and emotions in the best they could.

 Around the age of 10 or 11, we would begin to discuss puberty and all the different ways their body, brain and emotions were changing or going to change. This was a good time to explain that masturbation was something beyond an activity that simply feels good. We explained that masturbation is connected to the act of sex and we also talked about the way God designed sexual intimacy to be between two people, and not as a solitary act. Over the years, as they are developmentally ready, we have continued to talk about the negative impacts of masturbation on them as young, single people, and in the future as spouses. We’ve discussed the dangers of connecting pornography and masturbation, and the way masturbation can encourage objectification. We’ve also been honest about our own journey with masturbation and explained time and time again that this is not about shame or making them struggle with feelings of guilt, but to offer them something better.

 This is not a once and done conversation. It needs to be ongoing and even organic. That means we try not to have conversations like this: “OK kids, sit down on the couch here for a conversation about masturbation.” Because those can feel extra awkward. Instead, we aim for more of this: “hey I wanted to talk to you about something,” while we’re already hanging out, driving, or going for a walk. I think it’s good to check in with our kids now and then and see if they’re struggling with anything sexually. I think it’s good to respond to situational moments, like seeing an explicit billboard or show, by having a conversation about how it makes them feel or how they handle seeing something like that. I initiate these conversations because I want my kids to know that I care about every part of them and that I want the very best for them in every part of their life, including their emotional and sexual health. (Here is an example of having one of those conversations)

 Sometimes we have these conversations as a group. Sometimes they take place one on one. Sometimes they are mom to son, mom to daughter, or dad to daughter. Other times the conversations are mom to daughter and father to son, because we can identify with one another’s journeys in specific ways. If you feel like you simply can’t have these conversations with your child and there is no other parent to step in, please seek out a trusted friend to invest in relationship with them and then invite them into conversation. These topics are too important to take a pass on, so I urge you to figure out an alternative if you can’t engage yourself. 

 Now I know this feels like a lot. You have so much information to digest and to think about now. You might not agree with what I believe about masturbation. You might now agree with how we’ve chosen to handle this topic with our family. That’s OK. But instead of tuning out because we disagree, I ask you to spend some time figuring out what you do think about masturbation. And then I’d like you to talk to your kids about it. Because this conversation matters. 

 Fighting for your kids and mine,
Greta

#justamomfightingporn

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Have You Talked to Your Kids About Soft Porn?

Have you talked to your kids about soft porn?

Well, if your kids saw the Superbowl halftime show, you probably should.

 I have to be honest, when a situation like this comes up I don’t like to chime in. I don’t like to take part in the discussion because I don’t want to give more attention to something that is worthy of no attention at all. So many of these situations are about shock value and getting everyone to talk about it. So the rebel in me wants to stand there with my arms crossed saying, “I know you are trying to manipulate me, and I refuse to be a part of your scheme. You’re not worthy of a conversation.”

 But this time it’s a little different. 

While the half time show was the spark that started the conversation, what it made me realize was that there was a lot more to say. 
So I’m talking about it. 

 I’m not going to be talking about politics, female empowerment, whether or not the NFL needs family friendly entertainment, cultural representation, being in great shape at 50, or most of the other things I’m seeing talked about regarding this issue. Honestly, I think those things are a distraction from an even more important issue the half time show brought up. What I want to know is: how do we talk to our kids about soft porn? Or are we talking about it with them at all?

I didn’t watch the Superbowl this year.  We never do. Football just isn’t our thing. But I have even less desire to watch the half time show. I’ve found the half time show to be inappropriate for a long time. But this year I did happen to catch a few minutes of it while I was out running errands. And I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was beyond inappropriate. It was soft porn. And there were people were sitting in a public place, in the light of day, with their children, just watching it. 

When I got home from running errands, the game was over and I found the internet awash with lots and lots of comments about the halftime show. Based on what I was reading, I was convinced the rest of the show was even worse than the little bit I saw. I was so glad we had opted out of the half time show again. 

 Except that our 11 year old daughter, Lilly, had gone to some friends’ house for the afternoon and they watched the Superbowl. And when the half show came on, no one turned it off. Even when it got incredibly inappropriate, no one turned off. ‘Did you watch it, honey?’ I asked my daughter when she got home.. 

“Yes,” she said, with a look in her eyes that told me what she saw didn’t sit right in her heart.

Ugh. 

Here I am, trying my hardest to protect my kids from porn, but I totally failed this one. Why hadn’t I thought to say before she left, “when the halftime show comes on, go do something else. It’s not going to be anything you need to watch.” But I didn’t. I forgot. In fact, I realized I hadn’t even talked to my kids about what to do when they see soft porn. Or what soft porn really is. And I especially hadn’t addressed how they handle it in a situation where everyone else is watching it and you seem to be the odd one out who doesn’t want to. 

 Clearly some conversations needed to happen with all of the kids. But since Lilly was the one who saw the show, I started with her. I asked her what she saw and what she thought about it. She said, “it was weird and gross Mom. I went into the bathroom and then I just looked away as much as I could.”

 While I was sad that she watched something so wildly inappropriate for her 11 year old eyes (or my 43 year old eyes) the first things I wanted to make sure she knew was that I wasn’t upset with her. 

Here is what I told her:

 You are not in trouble. You aren’t responsible for other people making the wrong decision. 

 In situations like this, it’s important for my kids not to feel shame or anger from me. After all, I hadn’t prepared Lilly for what to do in this situation. And she had no way of knowing what to expect from the show, since she has zero experience with thong wearing pole dancers. I am not going to punish her for something largely outside her control. Instead, I will give her the tools to be able to handle it differently next time.

 I am not disappointed in you. You felt in your spirit that this was wrong to watch and you handled it the best way you knew how. I am proud of you for doing that.

 Lilly chose to be honest and tell me she watched the half time show. She could have easily lied to me about it, thus avoiding my potential disappointment and the numerous conversations she knew would follow. But she didn’t. I was grateful about that, because it opened the door for those important conversations instead of slamming it shut. When I told Lilly I wasn’t disappointed in her, her body immediately relaxed and she folded herself into my arms gratefully. Being a safe place for my kids to land in this difficult world is really important to me. It means they’ll come to me to talk about all the challenges they’re facing as they navigate growing up.

 Women’s bodies (and men’s bodies) are beautiful, but they are not meant to be shared in that way with the whole world. God created the female (and male) body and it is absolutely beautiful. But the private parts of a woman’s, or a man’s, body are private. Showing them to the world is not right.

 Before I talked to Lilly, I quickly watched the half time show on You Tube. Normally I wouldn’t bother to watch the whole thing. What I had seen was enough. But since she had seen it, I wanted to be prepared to answer questions, or discuss confusing or distressing things she saw. After watching, I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn’t telling her the show was wrong because the female body is shameful. It isn’t. I have taught my kids from the beginning that their bodies are made in the image of God and they are magnificent. But I also wanted her to know that how we display our bodies matters. Whether we are female or male, flaunting our private parts for the world to see is not acceptable. 

That was all I said that night. I didn’t want to belabor the conversation or overwhelm Lilly. There was more to cover, but I planned to discuss it the next morning, with all the kids. So we hugged and kissed, she went to bed, and I stayed up till 2 am, writing out a lot of my thoughts on what had happened. 

 The next morning as the 5 of us (Lilly, her 3 brothers, and I) sat around the table for our morning devotions, I brought the conversation back up. Here’s how it began:

 Me: “So we need to talk a little bit more about the half time show Lilly saw last night.”

James and William: “But we didn’t even see it!” (See? My kids are not always down for these honest conversations I love to have with them.)

Me: “Whether you saw it or not, there are things we need to discuss. You know who you’re dealing with, right? The talk about everything mom.” 

 Here’s what we talked about:

 Lilly did the best she could in the situation she was in last night. But if something like this happens again, to any of you, what else can you do?  You can leave the room and go to the bathroom. Or go the kitchen and hang out by the food. You can tell your friend you want to do something else. You can tell your friend’s mom that you don’t feel good and want to call your parents. You can come home. 

 I want my kids to know they don’t have to stay anywhere and watch anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. Even if everyone else is watching and they all seem OK with it. even if grownups are. Listening to the check in their own spirit is the most important thing. I will always support them on that. 

 There are different levels of porn, and that half time show was something called soft porn. Soft porn is an image or video--or half time show--that is highly sexual in nature. People will be wearing little to no clothing, behaving or posing or dancing sexually or suggestively, women will most likely be objectified, and it might even seem like they are objectifying themselves. Seeing soft porn will probably make you feel uncomfortable. It might also make you curious. That’s one of the reasons why soft porn is so dangerous. It gets the viewer wondering and maybe even wanting to see more. The more you see soft porn the easier it is for you to become desensitized to it, until it doesn’t seem wrong and doesn’t make you uncomfortable.Then you begin to want to see something more sexual, and your appetite for porn has begun. Soft porn is the gateway drug to more destructive kinds of pornography.

 I don’t share these kinds of things with my kids to freak them out. But I do believe in being honest with them. Because they are growing up in a world where hardcore, dangerous pornography is just a click away. And while the half time show that my daughter (and many other children younger than her saw ) wasn’t hard core porn, there were themes of bondage, dancing that’s usually reserved for strip clubs, full crotch shots with only a tiny strip of fabric to keep it from being full nudity, and so much more. Calling it “just dancing” is actually harmful to our kids because it’s not honest. 

We have to help our kids learn to be discerning consumers of media. And that means helping them recognize the way that porn, of the soft or hardcore variety, is seeping into our everyday world. Pole dancing, and sexual bondage should not be shown on prime time television for all ages to see. And yet, there it was. If we don’t talk to our kids about what they’re seeing, reading, listening to and playing (I’m looking at you video games with objectified and hyper sexualized women), then we’re leaving them to begin thinking this kind of behavior and imagery is normal and acceptable. 

One way we can help our protect our kids from the damaging effects of soft porn is by helping them be aware of where they might encounter it. As part of our discussion, my kids and I brainstormed a list of places where they might see soft porn. Here is our list:
Video games, anime comic books, anime drawing books, anime cartoons, music videos, movies, magazines, comic books, commercials—especially during sporting events, music lyrics, television shows, romance novels or erotic books. and catalogues.

Clearly, soft porn is all over the place. Helping my kids be wise to the ways that media and entertainment are manipulating them by objectifying women and hyper sexualize practically everything, means they will be better able to discern the good from the bad, the truth from the lies. We know advertisers and entertainment producers want us to consume their product. And they know that sex sells. When we teach our kids this concept, it helps them make better choices about what they are consuming.

As much as we don’t like to think of it, the porn industry is part of the entertainment industry. They want nothing more than to get your kids hooked on porn. And if they can lure the in with soft porn, they will. I want my kids to know these facts, not to scare them, but to empower them!

 After we talked through these things, I reiterated wasn’t upset with Lilly for what happened. I told them the situation made me realize there were things I hadn’t talked about with them. I guess there is always more to talk about! I assure you they were really thrilled about this. There were absolutely no sighs, eye rolling, or anyone saying, “ohhh grrreeeaaattt.” Or maybe just a little.

 As much as I wish Lilly hadn’t seen that halftime show, I know both she and her brothers will be better equipped for the next time they’re in a similar situation. Because the reality is, it will happen again. Oh it won’t be exactly the same, but soft porn exists in enough places that they’ll come across it somewhere else. And the best thing I can do for my kids is to give them the tools to recognize the darkness and then to turn from it. 

 “Our responsibility to them is not to pretend that if we don't look, evil will go away, but to give them weapons against it.” Madeleine L’Engle.

Fighting the fight for your kids and mine,

Greta

#gretafightsporn