Have you talked to your kids about masturbation yet?
The answer for most of us parents is, probably not.
Because, quite honestly, it’s a topic most of us would like to ignore. Or pretend doesn’t exist. Especially when it comes to our kids.
But the reality is, masturbation can have a huge impact on the sexual health and well-being of your child both now and in the future. It can even have an impact on his or her future relationships and marriage. The topic of masturbation is not something to be ignored. It’s a big deal and we parents need to be discussing it with our kids. Because if you don’t, they’ll get their answers from their friends, popular culture or worst of all, the internet.
Now I know there are a lot of different opinions about masturbation. Two of the most common opinions are that it is always sinful, or that it is normal, harmless and even healthy.
I don’t agree with either of those opinions. Let me explain why.
For those who believe masturbation is always sinful, I’d argue that there is a big difference between a child who is pre-puberty and self-stimulate and a pre-teen or teen who is masturbating. Young children who are self- stimulating are generally not engaging in a sexual act. They are just doing something that feels good. The trouble is that this act of self-stimulation can become a habit, which can lead to physical and emotional damage when the child becomes older and is sexually aware.
Another, more troubling, part of this conversation is the fact that a growing number of young children are being exposed to pornography. That can result in them acting out the things they have seen, including masturbation. Research shows us again and again that porn rewires the brain, and when it is combined with masturbation, it creates a habit that is incredibly difficult to break. Especially for the developing brain of a youth. And that habit can lead to a host of different kinds of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual damage the longer masturbation is engaged in.
So, whether you believe masturbation is always a sinful act or not, it is clear that masturbation is neither harmless nor healthy. That’s why I believe it’s important to talk to our kids about this topic instead of ignoring it, pretending it doesn’t exist, or hoping our kids will just figure it out on their own. None of those options will help them toward the healthy sexual future that we want for them.
Here are 5 truths about the negative effects of masturbation:
Masturbation distorts God’s design for intimacy.
Masturbation is an unhealthy way to deal with negative emotions.
Masturbation promotes objectification of others.
Masturbation can lead to sexual selfishness in marriage.
When coupled with porn, masturbation can become a mentally, physically and emotionally damaging habit.
Let’s discuss each one of these in more detail.
Masturbation distorts God’s design for intimacy.
Sexual intimacy is designed for two people. It is the most intimate and connecting act that exists for us to engage in. When we turn sexual intimacy into a solitary act, we make it only about pleasing ourselves. That is not what God designed sex for.
Masturbation is an unhealthy way to deal with negative emotions.
It’s very common to turn to masturbation when experiencing feelings of boredom, sadness, stress, loneliness, depression, or a poor self-image. That’s because masturbation releases a big hit of the feel-good chemical dopamine. The trouble is masturbation doesn’t truly deal with the source of those feelings. It simply masks or dulls them for a short time. Masking negative emotions with masturbation is just as unhealthy as masking them with things binge eating, drug or alcohol abuse, compulsive shopping, or mindless scrolling.
Masturbation promotes objectification of others.
It is nearly impossible to engage in masturbation without fantasizing about another person. Often those fantasies are not honoring to those people. Instead, they are taking them from their true role as people worthy of honor and respect and turning them into sex objects. This is especially true if porn is being used with masturbation. If you are married, there is a temptation to fantasize and lust after someone other than your spouse. This does not honor your spouse or the person you are fantasizing about. It is not a far reach to suggest that this could also be the first step towards a host of damaging acts to yourself, others, and your marriage vows.
Masturbation can lead to sexual selfishness in marriage.
When one person in a marriage is unwilling to engage in sexual intimacy, masturbation can be a tempting solution. However, by choosing masturbation, the rejected spouse loses an opportunity to love sacrificially, and puts their own desires in front of their spouse’s. That is sexual selfishness, and it has no place in a healthy sexual relationship. If avoidance of sexual intimacy is a frequent problem, masturbation does nothing to address the real reason intimacy is being avoided. Instead, it is a lazy and selfish way to avoid dealing with the issue and continuing in it will not restore health to the marriage.
When coupled with porn, masturbation can become a mentally, physically and emotionally damaging habit.
Science is only beginning to show the full impact porn consumption has on the brain and body. However, research does already show that regular porn use can contribute to things like depression, marital dissatisfaction, disinterest in regular activities, viewing people as objects to be used for personal gain, self-hatred, intimacy disorders, and erectile dysfunction in otherwise healthy young men. The addictive quality of porn use when coupled with masturbation has been likened to drugs like cocaine.
Knowing all this should motivate you to talk with your kids about masturbation and the potential impact it can have on them, and their future relationships and marriage. But I know you are wondering, “how do I bring up this very awkward topic with my kids? And how do I talk about it appropriately with my kids of different ages?” Let me offer some suggestions.
As I mentioned before, most children who engage in self stimulation are not acting in a sexual way. They are simply responding to something that feels good, or they are dealing with their feelings of frustration, boredom, anxiety, fatigue, sadness etc. I personally engaged in self stimulation as a child and for me it was a self-soothing activity just like sucking my thumb or stroking my blankie. I didn’t equate it with anything sexual until I was a pre-teen. Even after I understood it was a private act, I still didn’t connect it to sex.
Masturbation did not become a habit I had a difficult time controlling, nor did I encounter pornography as a child or teen and connect those two things. I also don’t recall my parents ever talking to me about it as a child or a teen. My husband doesn’t recall his parents talking to him about it either. Both of us had a desire for more openness and conversation with our kids when it came to sexual things, so we have been open with our kids on this topic.
If we noticed self-stimulating activities when they were little, we’d just redirect them as much as possible. When they got a little older and were developmentally able to understand the idea of treating their body and emotions in the best way possible (around the age of 3, 4 or 5), we’d tell them their body is beautiful and an amazing machine, designed by God, and this wasn’t the best way to treat it. I’d also teach them that this wasn’t the healthiest way to deal with what they were feeling--tired, stressed, bored, hungry etc. And then we’d talk about and practice dealing with those feelings in more healthy ways. We didn’t make it about shame or make them feel bad for engaging self-stimulation. Instead, it was just about treating their body and emotions in the best they could.
Around the age of 10 or 11, we would begin to discuss puberty and all the different ways their body, brain and emotions were changing or going to change. This was a good time to explain that masturbation was something beyond an activity that simply feels good. We explained that masturbation is connected to the act of sex and we also talked about the way God designed sexual intimacy to be between two people, and not as a solitary act. Over the years, as they are developmentally ready, we have continued to talk about the negative impacts of masturbation on them as young, single people, and in the future as spouses. We’ve discussed the dangers of connecting pornography and masturbation, and the way masturbation can encourage objectification. We’ve also been honest about our own journey with masturbation and explained time and time again that this is not about shame or making them struggle with feelings of guilt, but to offer them something better.
This is not a once and done conversation. It needs to be ongoing and even organic. That means we try not to have conversations like this: “OK kids, sit down on the couch here for a conversation about masturbation.” Because those can feel extra awkward. Instead, we aim for more of this: “hey I wanted to talk to you about something,” while we’re already hanging out, driving, or going for a walk. I think it’s good to check in with our kids now and then and see if they’re struggling with anything sexually. I think it’s good to respond to situational moments, like seeing an explicit billboard or show, by having a conversation about how it makes them feel or how they handle seeing something like that. I initiate these conversations because I want my kids to know that I care about every part of them and that I want the very best for them in every part of their life, including their emotional and sexual health. (Here is an example of having one of those conversations)
Sometimes we have these conversations as a group. Sometimes they take place one on one. Sometimes they are mom to son, mom to daughter, or dad to daughter. Other times the conversations are mom to daughter and father to son, because we can identify with one another’s journeys in specific ways. If you feel like you simply can’t have these conversations with your child and there is no other parent to step in, please seek out a trusted friend to invest in relationship with them and then invite them into conversation. These topics are too important to take a pass on, so I urge you to figure out an alternative if you can’t engage yourself.
Now I know this feels like a lot. You have so much information to digest and to think about now. You might not agree with what I believe about masturbation. You might now agree with how we’ve chosen to handle this topic with our family. That’s OK. But instead of tuning out because we disagree, I ask you to spend some time figuring out what you do think about masturbation. And then I’d like you to talk to your kids about it. Because this conversation matters.
Fighting for your kids and mine,
Greta